


Turn These Written Dreams Into Our Reality

by candyflossclifford



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chaptered, College AU, Fluff, Freeform, Light Angst, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Slow Updates, Writer!Michael, artist!Ashton, ashton's pretty much who ashton is, calum will be introduced a bit later i'm sorry, football player!calum, i think, i'll add tags as i go, luke is an adorable nerd, michael is a bit insecure and bitter, minor cashton, science nerd!luke, this fic will be pretty light and happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-06-09 07:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6895813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candyflossclifford/pseuds/candyflossclifford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael's university life is going as he expected. He keeps to himself, he writes his book, he writes his songs, and he's fine, really. He's accepted his life at this point. But starting his second year, Michael didn't expect to meet Luke, the cute science nerd who has no idea how to format a creative story. And Michael certainly did not expect to develop a crush on him.</p>
<p>Or, where Michael is an aspiring writer with his insecurities holding him back and Luke understands the quadratic formula better than how to write a short story, and Michael realizes the inevitability of forming relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Graphophilia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I'm so excited to post my first chaptered fic, based around a writer!michael au. I love university/college au's, i love clemmings, and i love writer michael, so I thought why not make a fanfic about it! I'm so excited to share it with you.  
> Just a note, I deleted Connecting Constellations because I think it was too heavy for me to write about and I also really wanted to write this one. I promise I'm committed to this one!  
> Anyways, enjoy! Also, no warnings for these chapter, and there won't really be many throughout the story!

_ graphophilia - the love of writing _

***

Ever since Michael was little, he was always intrigued by fictional worlds and writing. He was always the best at English class, and his teachers would always comment that his writing was superb for his age. In high school, all his teachers commented on his essays, short stories, and personal responses that it was amazing and his words were put together so well. 

Michael doesn’t know if anything got him into writing, really. He more so discovered it himself. Whenever they read novels in class, he was always so into them and would eagerly answer all questions about the book. He would dream of having his own published stories one day. He wants to change someone’s life the way so many books have changed his, and the thought of possibly making someone so happy one day is keeping him to continue writing. This is what caused him to pursue English as his major in university.

Right at the moment though, he’s in a bit of a ‘meh’ place with his life. He still writes - not only short stories, but songs too - but he’s also in his second year of university and well, it’s not how he imagined. 

Towards the end of high school, Michael became closed off and a bit of a loner type, and he was fine with that. He doesn’t like to think about high school anyways. But he’s still a loner in uni, and has only made one close friend in his time there.

Well, sure,  it does get lonely for Michael sometimes. But being lonely is better than being hurt, right? At least, that’s how Michael thinks.

He does have Ashton, who he’s really only friends with because one his first day of his first year, Ashton spotted him in the music class they had together and Ashton deemed them partners because, as Ashton said, “How could I  _ not _ be partners with someone who has as cool of a hair colour as yours?” Michael remembers just kind of silently agreeing to Ashton’s partnership, and in that year became best friends.

Michael won’t admit it, but he’s very glad he has Ashton. Michael has this thing, where he’s a bit scared to get close to people. But Ashton kept convincing Michael to hang out with him, and whenever Michael got a bit down, Ashton was there. So Michael let him in. Ashton has never let him down, and Michael doesn’t think he will.

Michael would say he’s doing pretty well, though. He’s fine with only Ashton as his best friend, because Michael doesn't need friends or a boyfriend. He likes it in his safe, little bubble.

At the moment though, Michael was cursing his lack of social relationships and experiences because he was going to put his last day before classes start to good use, and attempt some songwriting. Michael loves writing fiction, but music is also an amazing part of his life. He plays guitar, the one thing that can calm and down and thinks he’s okay at songwriting. Hence why he chose music as a minor; and even though music isn’t the safest back-up plan for an english major, Michael wants to try and let himself be happy with one decision he’s made with his life.

He may be good at writing sometimes,  but not at the moment, because right now Michael was stuck. Here he was, while everyone else was out looking at all the clubs to join or partying with their friends, staring blankly at his notebook page, pen in hand and guitar resting on his lap.

Just because he was fine with not having a huge social circle doesn’t mean he wasn’t a  _ little bit  _ bitter about those who did. Michael doesn’t really want one, because half the time those people are backstabbers, and it’s better to trust rarely than to put your trust in everyone, but one in a while, it would be nice to have more than one person to lean on.

Groaning in frustration, Michael shoves his notebook to the side and flops down onto his bed, opting to stare at the ceiling instead. He has no motivation to write today, not even a simple story, and it’s kind of getting him down. The last down he had barely any inspiration to write was back in his last years of high school and well, he doesn’t want to go down that road again.

There’s a knock on Michael’s door and it could only be one person, so Michael just let’s out a muffled noise that can affirm Ashton that the door’s open.

Michael continues to stare at the ceiling and he hears footsteps and then the bed dips, and there’s a body lying beside him.

“Nothing yet?” Ashton asks, picking Michael’s notebook up and flipping through it. 

Michael moves his body slightly so his head is resting on his hand, turning his face towards Ashton. “Nope,” Michael sighs, and proceeds to bury his face into his pillow. 

Michael feels Ashton’s hand rubs circles on his back, and Michael smiles at the comforting gestures. He’s really glad out of all the people that approached him for friendship, the one who did was Ashton.

“It’s normal, Mikey,” Ashton starts, and Michael wants to butt in but he lets Ashton continue. “Everyone goes through a slump. I haven’t had any painting inspiration, either,” Ashton finishes, and Michael can’t think of anything to say to that.

Ashton was an art major, and Michael was always blown away by Ashton’s art. It was different than what one would normally see, as it wasn’t realistic or every detail to be exact, but rather abstract views of the world. Ashton had a wonderful creative eye, and painted things through his perspective instead of what others see. Michael really admires Ashton for continuing to pursue his art despite the idea that maybe some people won’t understand it. Sometimes Michael envies Ashton’s ability to not care what others think, and to push himself to not hold himself back.

Pushing his thoughts back, Michael rolls over Ashton (who let’s out a muffled groan in return) and places his guitar and journal back where they belong. He pulls out his laptop and puts on some All Time Low, a band that both him and Ashton have bonded over.

Ashton sits up on Michael’s bed, and Michael takes a seat in his desk chair, opening up his schedule. Him and Ashton discuss their schedules for the semester, and fortunately have their second year music class together. Michael has mostly morning classes, to his disdain, while Ashton’s are mostly in the afternoon. Michael frowns, because their scheduling conflicts would result in not as much time to hang out, but Michael’s fine with that. He’s use to having time alone, quite enjoys it, actually.

After just talking for a bit about school, Ashton decides to leave, bringing Michael into a tight hug before exiting. He wishes Ashton good luck tomorrow at his classes and Ashton says the same to Michael, and once Ashton is gone Michael is left alone with his thoughts, a pen, and an empty page.

***

Of course Michael would wake up half an hour late to his first day of classes, leaving him with only fifteen minutes to get ready. He swears to himself as he throws his comforter on the floor and runs to the bathroom. His hair's a mess and his roots are growing over the faded lilac colour he has, and he puts the thought to buy some hair dye when he has the chance in the back of his mind. Michael quickly hops in the shower and is pretty sure he didn’t get everywhere on his body, but he doesn’t care because he absolutely cannot be late.

He rummages through his drawers and simply pulls on a pair of sweatpants - he doesn’t have time to try and get his slightly damp legs into skinny jeans - and a Blink t-shirt, pulling a snap back over his head, grabs his backpack and practically sprints down campus.

With five minutes to spare, Michael makes it to class and he stops outside the door to catch his breath. He thinks it’s a metaphor of how his life is a giant mess really, his damn alarm not going off in time to get to his class, after attending the school for a over year.

With his breath caught, he walks into the classroom, happy to see that his creative writing class is still taught by Professor Novac, who taught the class last year and Michael quite enjoys her way of teaching. Michael looks towards the class and is annoyed to find out the only seats left are in the front row, and he hates it because everyone can see him right away as they walk into class and is more likely to get caught not paying attention, but he sucks it up because creative writing is one of his favourite classes.

Michael takes the first seat by the aisle, not paying attention to whoever is beside him. He brings out his laptop and his writing journal, and decides to zone out as Professor Novac starts her shpiel that he heard last year, in his first year creative writing class. He’d start paying attention when she started talking about their first assignment.

Michael’s not sure how long had past when he heard a groan beside him, and he turns to look at the culprit. Michael’s eyes widen, because it was the boy directly beside him, and holy fuck, he’s cute.

Michael’s never seen this boy around campus, and if he had he’s sure he would remember him. His blonde hair was styled into a quiff, his face was soft and round with still a bit of youthfulness to it, and he had glasses with large black frames that were slightly falling down his nose.

Michael snaps out of it and pushes those thoughts away, because no. No way in hell can he let himself get a petty little crush on a stranger based on an appearance, and no way can he let himself get close to anyone. That goes against how Michael works.

But sometimes Michael doesn’t like to listen to his own brain, and he tells himself that if he’s sitting by this boy all year, they should at least be homework buddies. He has a homework buddy in every class - he never talks to them outside of schoolwork, and that works well for him. It keeps him safe in his own little bubble while still having acquaintances in the classroom.

It’s not like Michael’s an asshole and refuses to talk to people. He’ll help someone if they ask for it or look lost, or if he needs help. He’ll strike up a simple friendly conversation just to be nice, or he’ll ask a stranger if they’re okay if they look uneasy. He doesn’t let it progress more than friendly conversation, though. He won’t let it.

He notices the expression on the boys face still looks a bit bewildered, and notices that Professor Novac is doing her roll call, so he decides to speak.

“Are you alright?” he whispers, and the blonde boy jumps in his seat, taking Michael by surprise. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The blonde boy smiles, and holy shit, was it adorable - and no, Michael needs to stop those thoughts before they develop further. “No, I’m sorry, just, it’s so quiet in here,” the boy speaks, and his voice is soft and warm, but also deep, with an australian accent similar to Michael’s. “I’m fine, it’s just….I didn’t expect to have to write an entire short story book for an end of the year project,” the boy finishes, and Michael’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“I thought it was common knowledge for all second year writing students to know they have a short story book due at the end?” Michael asks, and Luke glances down before looking back towards Michael.

“I’m, um, a first year student,” he says, and Michael’s eyebrows shoot up. Luke laughs at his expression. “Yeah, I know. I took the first year class in summer because I need an english credit besides the standard english class, and I don’t like english, and this is the only one that would fit in my schedule. I’m a combined math and physics major,” he explains, and Michael can barely even process what this boy is saying.

A combined math and physics major? Holy shit. This boy must be a genius and good at anything and everything mathematical - Michael’s math and science mark almost caused him to flunk out of high school. Secondly, how can someone  _ not  _ enjoy english or creative writing. It was such an outlet to Michael, so fascinating, that he doesn’t understand how someone can’t like it. Even Ashton has spoken about his appreciation for writing, though he’s said he can’t put words together for shit, except when songwriting. Michael is genuinely surprised, so he decides to voice his thoughts.

“How can you not like English?” Michael whispers, glancing back towards the teacher to make sure she wasn’t looking. “It’s such a fascinating subject.”

The blonde rolls his eyes, and a small smile adorns his face. “I find math and physics extremely fascinating, but do you find it as fascinating as I would?”

Michael laughs, liking the way this kid used his words. It was a smart comeback, Michael would say, and different from what someone would usually reply. “Okay, true. I see what you did there. I’m sorry, I have a passion for writing and I just, uh, get defensive.”

“Don’t apologize for being passionate,” the boy replies, angling his body towards Michael. “And to really answer your question, I just never got english. Like, I have trouble putting the words together and making something my own.”

Michael nods, and he understands, a little. Some people just don’t know how to put words together. 

Michael was about to turn away to start listening to Professor Novac, who was about to start her lesson, when a hand grabs Michael’s shoulder and he looks towards the boy, whose eyes - which were a striking blue - were wide. 

“I don’t know your name!” he whisper yells, sounding mildly panicked. Michael can’t help but smile because this boy really was something. Michael shakes his head - he needs to stop thinking about him like that. They were just going to be classroom buddies, that was it. Nothing else.

“I’m Luke,” Luke says, and Michael thinks that name suits him perfectly.

“Michael,” he replies, and Luke smiles.

“I like you hair, Michael. It’s a nice shade of purple.” Luke says, and Michael nods in thanks before turning his head down to his work to hide his blush, and starts paying attention to the lesson, trying to push the thoughts of Luke to the back of his mind.

***

The class went by slowly, professor Novac just explaining standard creative writing tools, and having them do some short story exercises to refresh their brains. Michael and Luke had small conversations just helping each other, well, it was mostly just Michael helping Luke.

The kid really was hopeless when it came to putting words together. Michael found it endearing. But what wasn’t working for Michael though, was the fact that no matter how much he tried to push the thoughts of Luke’s blue eyes, dorky glasses or musical laugh to the back of his mind, he just found something new to admire about Luke. This scared Michael. He can’t let himself get attached to anyone, let alone a crush. He barely knows Luke, but still, Michael has rules that he sets himself to follow. He doesn’t get close to people, he doesn’t let himself get hurt. He won’t.

The bell rings, signalling the end of class, and Michael’s happy because he has a spare, then two more classes before his day ends at one. As Michael is about to leave, he feels a tap on his shoulder, and he knows it’s Luke.

“Thank you for helping me with my work today,” Luke starts and glances down, staring at his feet. “I suck at english.”

Michael laughs, and decides it’s okay to pat Luke’s shoulder. It’s just a friendly gesture, nothing more. “Don’t apologize, a lot of people aren’t good at it. Well, people that aren’t majoring in English,” Michael replies, and Luke laughs at his comment.

Luke looks like he’s debating asking Michael something for a minute, before he takes a breath and speaks. “Um, do you want to like, exchange numbers? In case, I like, need help. Or one of us misses a day, or, like yeah. I’m sorry,” Luke rambles, and god, this kid was not helping Michael in the slightest here. Luke just kept getting more adorable to Michael, and that was not good for him at all.

Michael smiles reassuringly, hiding the swirling thoughts of his mind behind the smile. “Yes, of course. Homework buddies. Everyone needs one, right?”

Luke smiles back, and they hand each other one another's phone to exchange numbers. Luke smiles sheepishly when Michael shoots a questioning glance at his lock screen of a penguin, and they silently give the phone’s back.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” Luke says, and Michael wonders if Luke always has that small smile on his face.

“You too,” Michael replies, and Luke leaves while Michael packs up his stuff to leave.

With a spare before his next class, Michael decides to go back to his dorm and relax. On his way there, he decides to think about the day's events so far. It’s only been the first day of his second year, and he was expecting it to be the same as last year. Michael keeping to himself, not really talking to anyone but Ashton, focusing on his marks. He was happy that way, really, and there was no chance of him getting hurt. It was fine.

But in just one class, a blonde boy with no common sense of how to articulate words with each other and striking blue eyes catches him off guard. Luke was so kind to him, as well as awkward and open. So many uni students were uninviting, stressed and tired from exams, and a fresh face such as Luke, even in his first year, with such a positive attitude and calm demeanor was nice. 

But Michael doesn't like the way he keeps thinking about Luke. He’s not supposed to be thinking about anyone like that, it’s too much of  a risk to want to get close to someone, in his mind. Part of Michael hates being scared, but the other part knows it’s for the best. What happened in high school is behind him, and he’s found a way to cope with life that was working fine for him. Michael doesn’t see any reason to change.

Michael reaches his dorm, throws his bag on the ground and flops himself onto the bed. He opts to stare at the ceiling and think. 

It’s not like Luke was interested in Michael, and Michael really just thought he was cute, and funny and different. They were just going to be classroom buddies. Nothing else.

Michael sighs and rubs his hands over his face. He can’t believe one person has caused him to overthink everything so much, and as he lays in beds he can’t help but think of Luke, and he wants to scream, because no, he refuses to let himself think of Luke like that. He won’t let himself want to be friends with Luke, and he won’t let himself develop a crush.

For as long as Michael can help it, they were going to be only acquaintances. Maybe even kind-of-friends, that was it. Nothing more. He won’t let it happen. Michael won’t let himself get hurt again. He won’t let himself get close to Luke, and if that left them as only partial friends, then so be it. 


	2. Clinophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! sorry for the kind-of-long wait, i've been busy and sick these week!   
> here's chapter two! there's not really much michael and luke interaction in this chapter, but this chapter is mostly to establish the strength of michael and ashton's friendship, also a bit more into michael's personality! a bit of a shorter chapter too, but they'll get longer, i promise! another note, i chose the title of this chapter because most of it is michael kind of lazing around in bed, and i struggled hard to choose a chapter title until i found this one. sorry for the long note, anyways.  
> all mistakes are mine, and no warnings for this chapter! enjoy!

_ clinophilia - The love of beds, or the love of remaining in a reclined position _

_ *** _

Michael’s eyes feel heavy, and he brings his hands up to rub his eyes. His vision clears, and he’s confused at first, but one glance at the clock shows him it’s three in the afternoon.

It takes Michael a minute to realise that he’d fallen asleep, and another to realise he slept through his other classes. On his first day.

“Fuck,” he mutters, annoyed with himself for doing something as irresponsible as sleeping through his first day of class. He really needs to work on his responsibility. He’ll work on that later.

Michael moves over to his laptop and pops it open, logging into to his student account to see what classes he’d missed. He’d missed his second year english introductory class, which would be easy enough to catch up on. The first day is really just the professor reviewing shit from the year previous. Michael’s bummed about missing music, though, because he was really looking forward to picking up his guitar again and actually having some motivation to write, even if it was only for a class assignment. Luckily, he has Ashton who can tell him what he missed that day.

Shit, Ashton, Michael remembers. Michael immediately feels guilty, because Ashton worries a lot - especially about Michael. And by Michael not showing up to class, without even a text or anything, Ashton might be freaking out. Not to mention, Michael left him alone in class. Sure, Ashton’s really easy at making friends and talking to people, but Michael and Ashton have a connection when it comes to music and appreciate working together. 

Michael reaches for his phone, and sees he has several unread messages, all presumably from  Ashton. As he’s about to unlock his phone to read said messages, and send Ashton an apology text, Michael’s doorknob twists and his door swings open, Ashton himself appearing on the other side.

Ashton look slightly frazzles, and worry is evident in his eyes, causing Michael’s guilt to rise.

“Shit, Ash, I’m sorry-” Michael starts, but is interrupted by Ashton moving into his room and smacking Michael on the head.

“Ouch! What the fuck?”

“That,” Ashton starts, crossing his arms over his chest. “Is for not telling me where you were and not replying to me all day.” 

Michael sends Ashton a sheepish glance, and Ashton’s annoyed look turns to one of concern. “Everything okay?”

Michael nods, and moves over on his bed, motioning for Ashton to sit down. “I, uh, fell asleep.”

Ashton turns toward Michael, now sitting on the edge of his bed. Michael is still lying down, propped up on his elbow to face Ashton.

“On your first day? Did you miss all of your classes?” Ashton asks, but Michael knows Ashton is concerned. Michael appreciates that, really, but Michael also doesn’t like people to worry about him for no reason.

“Well, no. I went to my first creative writing class, and I guess it just exhausted me?” Michael tries to explain, but it comes out as more of a question. Michael notices Ashton’s about to speak, but then remembers Ashton has afternoon classes and finishes at five every day, his last class being at three-thirty.

“Wait, Ash. Shouldn’t you be in class right now?” To make his point, Michael gestures towards the clock, which now reads 3:45.

“Yes, but I don’t care. I was worried, and if there’s one class I can miss, it’s my sports class. It’s only for a credit, and I can just jog later or something.” Ashton explains, and Michael feels guilty. First he makes Ashton worry, and now he’s making him miss class? Michael really was an awful friend. Yet, another reason to avoid becoming close to people.

“You don’t have to miss class for me,” Michael says, and sits up, moving closer to Ashton.

Ashton smiles at Michael, and pats his back. “You’re my best friend, Mikey. I just worry sometimes,” Ashton explains, and Michael shrugs in response.

“You don’t need to, y’know. Worry about me. I’m fine, really.”

“I’ll worry anyway. I just want you to be happy,” Ashton says, and Michael sighs and shakes his head, and Ashton knows to drop the subject. Another thing that Michael and Ashton get about each other. Ashton is more of the person who will come to Michael to talk about feelings, straight up, and Michael will sit and listen and try to give the best advice he can. Michael, on the other hand, needs his feelings pried out of him, and Ashton understands it will take a couple times for those emotions to rise to the surface.

“Anyways,” Ashton starts again, moving his position so he is now laying on the bed. “Why were you so exhausted to fall asleep after your first class? Or did you just stay up all night again like the oh-so responsible student you are?”

Ashton smirks and Michael lightly punches his shoulder, laughing in return. “No, I slept at a reasonable time. Kind of. I just, um, had a conversation longer than I normally had and it stressed me out?” Michael replies, and it comes out as a question, because he’s really not sure himself why he was tired.

“You? Having a conversation? Do you have a fever?” Ashton jokes, and reaches his hand as if to feel Michael’s forehead, but Michael swats his hand away. 

“No, you idiot. The kid that sits next to me, seemed a bit um, lost. He was a first year, in a second-level class.” 

Ashton nods, understanding the rarity of a student - especially in their first year - taking a second year class. “Ah, okay. At least I know you’re a good person who helps the weak.”

Michael rolls his eyes at Ashton, and a comfortable silence fills between them. Outside, the sun's still shining bright through the window, the time still being before five o’clock. Michael opts to close the curtains halfway, letting some of the sun shine through. Michael opens the window slightly as well, letting some fresh air and the conversation of students mingling down below flow into their room.

Michael’s phone buzzes, breaking the silence, and he nudges Ashton’s arm to grab his phone for him. Ashton rolls his eyes and grabs Michael’s phone, but before he hands it to Michael, Ashton unlocks it himself.

“Hey, no unlocking my phone!” Michael protests, moving over the bed to try and grab his phone back from Ashton.

“Dude, chill. You gave me your passcode. Also, it’s probably one of my messages from earlier, I’ll just make your phone shut up about it.” Ashton replies, giving Michael a smirk, and Michael is kind of annoyed because that’s also Ashton’s way of snooping, thinking Michael may be hiding something due to the events earlier.

Michael sighs, and Ashton makes a sound, causing Michael to look towards him. “What?”

“Who’s Luke?” Ashton questions, giving Michael a sideways glance.

Michael’s eyebrows furrow, confused as to why he would have a message from Luke. They were only supposed to talk about school, class or homework, and Michael didn’t recall there being anything to be talked about from class earlier.

Michael gestures for his phone, and Ashton hands it over. Michael quickly adds the contact under the name ‘Luke’, then proceeding to read the message.

**From** :  **Luke**

_ Hi! It’s Luke, from the creative writing class this morning? The first year that’s in a second year class? Um, I know you said we were only supposed to talk about, like, class stuff, but my class after creative writing got switched as I dropped out of my other one, and the new class is in a different building on campus, and I was wondering if tomorrow you could walk me there? I don’t have anyone else’s number, or talk to anyone, really, and my roommate's a bit of a, um, well. He parties a lot, I don’t talk to him much. Wow, this message got really long. I’m sorry, it’s okay if you can’t. Just, uh, reply soon? Or talk to you tomorrow! _

Michael can’t stop himself from smiling at the rambling style of Luke’s text, it being the same as how Luke spoke in real life. These thoughts are soon overtaken, though, by Michael’s initial fear of developing relationships.

Michael hasn’t texted someone that wasn’t Ashton or his mom in practically two years, and Michael wants to be nice and say yes to Luke, but with the way Michael keeps thinking about Luke, Michael’s a bit wary to hang out with him for longer than a class.

“Hey, buddy. Slow your thoughts down, I can practically see the wheels spinning,” Ashton speaks, breaking Michael out of his thoughts.

Michael puts his phone down, and decides to reply to Ashton’s earlier question. “He’s the first year I was telling you about, that I was talking to, more than normal.”

“Is he cute?”

“Ashton!” Michael chastises, hitting Ashton across the arm for the second time today, and Ashton laughs at his response. “Why is that your first question?”

“So, I’ll take that as a yes, then.” Ashton concludes, and picks up Michael’s phone to re-read the message. “He seems nice, I don’t think there’s any harm in walking him around campus,” Ashton concludes, and Michael knows Ashton is trying to convince him to say yes. 

Michael shakes his head, trying to form his incoherent thoughts into words. “I know, but it’s just, I don’t know.” Michael sighs, and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t want to develop anymore relationships, platonic or not, you’re enough. University is stressful enough.” 

Ashton looks to Michael, moving a hand to his back and rubbing circles. “You know, I think there’s more to it than that. Why you’re so reluctant to make friends,” Ashton asks, but it’s not really a question.

Michael thoughts are taken back to high school, but he immediately pushes them back, not wanting to think about them at all, or ever, if he can help it. “Not today,” Michael whispers, and Ashton sighs. Michael knows he’s hard sometimes, especially talking about his feelings, but he’s thankful Ashton understands.

“I think,” Ashton starts, and Michael knows he has somewhat of a speech coming. “You should take more opportunities, Mikey. You’re my best friend, and I know I’m yours, but everyone needs other friends beside their best, y’know. Based on this text, this Luke kid seems nice, and you don’t have to befriend him or get close to him, but you could at least try talking to him, or anyone else a bit more.” Ashton finishes, and Michael can tell Ashton’s not exactly happy with how his words came out, but got the message across nonetheless.

Michael moves away from Ashton’s grasp, grabbing his phone and staring at the text. “But, what if-” Michael starts, but Ashton interrupts before he can continue.

“Always the what-if’s and but’s with you, dude. Come on. One text doesn’t hurt,” Ashton convinces, sending a smile Michael’s direction. “I know you push yourself away from others, and I don’t understand why and you’ll tell me eventually, but you have to take risks sometimes to be happy.”

Michael contemplates Ashton’s words, and thinks them through. One text really wouldn’t do much, would it? And Ashton has been so patient with Michael, and dealing with Michael's weird moods and feelings, that Michael at least owes it to Ashton to try and put himself out there.

“Okay,” Michael says, and Ashton claps him on the back in response. 

“Good choice, now I have to go and start planning my art portfolio. No sleeping tomorrow!” Ashton says as his way of bidding goodbye, and Michael laughs and waves as Ashton makes his way out of Michael’s room.

Michael lays back on his bed, staring at the text message for a few minutes before thinking,  _ fuck it _ , and quickly types his message and hits send before he can turn back.

**To: Luke**

_ Sure, it’s be no problem. I know the campus pretty well. See you tomorrow. _

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! apologies for the lack of muke in the chapter, but next chapter will make up for it! the first two chapters were just setting things up for the story, michael's personality and his and ashton's friendship, but don't worry chapter three there will be a lot of michael and luke interaction! also, i promise calum's in this story, he just won't be introduced until a bit later!  
> thank you so much for reading, and if you are keeping up i'm still working on an update schedule but i'm thinking every week on thursday or friday, we'll see how it goes!  
> if you want to ask me any questions, know about updates or just talk to me, you can follow my tumblr [here!](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com) thank you again for reading!


	3. Epistemophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so sorry for not updating for two weeks! I've been super busy! I have some time off but I'm still doing exams but in the future there likely won't be more than a one week wait between chapters!  
> Lots of Michael and Luke in this chapter, hope you enjoy!

**_Epistemophile:  one who has a love of knowledge_ **

Michael doesn’t expect to feel nervous before class, but today was different. Michael had agreed to show Luke around campus after their creative writing class, which was an innocent request on Luke’s part, really. But Michael can’t help himself from being overtaken by his nerves.

The sane part of Michael’s brain knows nothing will come from simply walking Luke to another building. It’s just a friendly gesture, and Michael usually doesn’t mind helping out a fellow classmate.

Luke wasn’t exactly just a fellow classmate, though. He was an extremely beautiful, sweet, awkward and kind boy. He has a sense of youthfulness to him, that Michael often doesn’t see in people starting their first year of university. Normally it’s dark bags under eyes within the first several days, people scattered around campus trying to find the right way to go, everyone stressed due to the vast difference between the dependant ways of high school onto the independant life of university.

Luke, though. Luke was optimistic from when Michael first spoke to him - well, except for the fact Luke seemed annoyed when finding out their final project for the class, but besides that, Luke had a friendly smile on his face. Michael knew Luke had watched Professor Novac intently, always seeming interested when finding a new piece of information. Sure, Michael had only known Luke for about two hours plus one text message, but Michael could tell he was an optimist, which was refreshing compared to the usual pessimism of university students. A nice break from Michael’s own constant pessimistic outlook, too.

But that’s the issue. Michael can’t help but think about Luke, even after only one class with the blue eyed boy. Just thinking about Luke sends Michael’s brain into overdrive - and this scares Michael. He hasn’t become so easily interested in anyone since, well, high school. Michael doesn’t want to get involved with anyone, and the risk is there. Michael is normally good at keeping acquaintances acquaintances, but Luke is different than all the other people he’s met in his past year at university.

Michael sighs, hating how caught up in this he’s getting. He knows he’s over thinking, but he can’t help himself. It’s in Michael’s nature to overthink.

When Michael notices it’s almost time to leave for class, he runs a hand through his hair and gathers his things, popping in his ear buds and blasting Blink, locking his door and ignoring the chatter and rucus happening in his dorm hall.

Michael can’t control more thoughts from coming into his brain on his walk to class. He’s just showing Luke to a separate building. He’s freaking himself out, and he needs to stop. Nothing will happen, they’ll remain friendly acquaintances. And even if anything did grow between the two, Michael doubts Luke would reciprocate any feelings towards him. Thus, Michael will push all thoughts of Luke to the back of his mind.

The least he can do is convince himself that’s what’s going to happen.

***

All of Michael’s reassurances that he and Luke will remain friends fly out the window when he enters class. The first person Michael notices is Luke, and as soon as they make eye contact Luke shines a bright smile towards the lilac haired boy and follows with an enthusiastic wave.

Damn, this kid really isn’t making it any easier for Michael.

Michael sends back a timid smile, and returns the wave as he settles into his seat. Michael brings out his laptop - a 2013 Acer that is barely alive, but Michael takes notice that Luke has a notebook and an array of colourful pens and is thankful he doesn’t have to take handwritten notes.

As Michael is logging into his computer and waiting for class to start in a mere five minutes, Luke taps him on the shoulder. Michael turns his head, and Luke has the smallest smile on his face, showing how young he really is.

“Um,” Luke starts, and Michael thinks it’s cute that the blonde looks mildly flustered. “Thank you, for agreeing to show me around campus. My roommate isn’t around much - always playing football, so I’m glad you can show me to the building.” Luke finishes, turning back to his notebook and fiddling his hands.

After yesterday’s conversation with Luke, Michael didn’t really peg him to get nervous, but Michael knows everyone gets nervous from time to time. Michael remembers his first year and how he didn’t even approach anyone - but that was for his own reasons.

Michael taps Luke on the shoulder, and Luke timidly looks up. Michael feels like he needs to reassure the younger boy - but a part of Michael deep down doesn’t like seeing Luke without a smile adorning his face.

“Hey,  don’t worry. I got lost plenty of times. I accidentally wandered into the girl’s bathroom on my first day.” Michael cringes reliving that story, remembering the high-pitched screams and mortifying looks on the girl’s faces, and Michael’s rushed out apologies. That day also confirmed that he was one-hundred percent gay, but he knew that already.

Luke’s laugh is worth the second-hand embarrassment he got from retelling that story. It sounds like Michael thinks honey would a, smooth and delicate sound, and Michael has never really had an interest in honey until now.

Michael bites his lip at the thoughts he definitely did not expect to rush into his head, and decides to ignore them and deal with them later. Michael instead turns his attention back to his problem at hand, Luke. The blue eyed boy has stopped laughing, and is now looking at Michael with the bright smile Michael first met him with.

“Thanks,” Luke says, genuine appreciation in his voice. “I guess I’m just more nervous now that my whole schedule is set in stone. Everything feels more real.” Luke reveals, slightly turning his body towards Michael. The blonde is biting his lip and tapping one of his pens on his paper, and Michael can’t help but think Luke’s looks really fucking hot at the moment.

_Snap out of it_ , Michael tells himself, instead focusing his attention on what Luke had just told him. Michael is surprised that Luke had seemingly told him something that seemed slightly personal. Michael brushes that off for now, instead empathy for the younger boy overtaking his senses.

Michael understands the feeling all too well that Luke was talking about. He remembers his first year, where suddenly everything felt _real._ The day when Michael realised that he’s actually a grown up now, he’s on his own. That he’s going to have to fend for himself. It’s a scary realisation, really. As a teenager and child, he was always dependant on something or someone, and then suddenly you just get pushed out into the real world, expecting to know how it works.

Michael remembers how scary that is, and impulsively decides to life hand and place it onto Luke’s. He’ll yell at himself for his actions later.

Luke looks up at Michael with surprise in his blue eyes, and the blonde’s glasses have fallen down his nose slightly, making Luke look vulnerable in that moment.

“I understand,” Michael starts, making sure to maintain eye contact with Luke throughout. “It’s terrifying at first, really. You don’t know where you’re going or anything. But you need to have a routine. You’ll figure it out.”

Luke looks so small in that moment that Michael just wants to wrap his arms around the younger boy and hold him forever, but Michael refrains. He’s already risking so much by being so comforting and getting so attached to Luke, he can’t risk anymore.

Michael settles on a gentle pat on Luke’s back, removing his hand from the blonde’s and giving him a genuine smile. Luke looks so grateful, and the smile that has appeared on his face was worth Michael risking a small amount of his personal boundaries.

“You promise I’ll figure it out?” Luke asks, voice quieter as Professor Novac walks into the room.

Michael turns towards Luke, and there are so many questions swimming in those ocean blue eyes that Michael doesn’t know how to answer. Right now, Michael just wants to make sure Luke feels comforted, and Michael just wants to give him hope. That’s all that matters.

“I promise.”

 ***

Michael pretty much blanked out that entire class, because he knew most of what Professor Novac was talking about already. He took some notes here and there, but Michael mostly just watched Luke take notes the entire class.

Michael was so intrigued by how Luke could so quickly take such organized and coloured notes, especially at a university level. Michael couldn’t even organize his notes in high school.

Throughout the class, Luke always had this adorable concentrated look on his face, seemingly frustrated or interested to be learning something new. Michael hates that he’s so fascinated by this boy, and he’s scared he’s gotten to a point where there’s no turning back.

The bell signals the end of class, and as everyone is gathering their supplies, Professor Novac speaks up. “Okay, good job today. Your assignment is to pair up with anyone, and you guys have to write a story together. The rules are you each write one sentence, then the other must follow one’s lead. This will be due in two days. Have a good day!” she finishes, brushing her black curls behind her ear and walking back towards her desk.

Michael doesn’t like group projects much, and normally he would ask to do them alone, but that doesn’t seem like an option for this one specifically. When Michael looks up, Luke is staring down at him with hopeful eyes, and Michael knows what’s coming next.

“Um, do you want to be partners?” Luke asks, his voice timid and hands fiddling with his notebook.

Michael isn’t going to be that asshole that says no, especially to someone like Luke. it’s on simple project, it should be fine. Michael can push back his fears and resentment of getting close to people for one project.

“Of course,” Michael offers, and the grin that lights up Luke’s entire face is worth it.

“Awesome!” The younger boy exclaims, bouncing on his feet. Michael feels a sense of fondness wash over him seeing how enthusiastic and happy Luke is at Michael’s acceptance to his offer, and Michael knows he made the right decision.

Michael slings his bag over his shoulder, and turns back towards Luke. “Alright, what class do you have next?”

Luke pulls a slip of paper out of his notebook and hands it to Michael. Michael skims over his schedule, appalled at how many courses Luke is taking. “Holy shit, Luke. You’re going to drown in textbooks,” Michael looks up to Luke, and Luke has a tight smile on his face now instead of the beautiful and bright one Michael likes to see.

“My parents, uh, just want to make sure I have all the requirements,” Luke mumbles, and Michael knows not to push the subject. A wave of sympathy washes over Michael, though, because he knows how parents can get. Michael is thankful his mom was supportive of his dream to be a writer, but not everyone’s parents are like Michael’s.

“Well, anyways. Your next class is Mathematical Physics - holy fuck. How is that not a different language to you?” Michael jokes, leading the way out of his class. Michael looks behind him to make sure Luke is following, and Michael mentally notes that Luke almost looks like a lost puppy trailing behind the lilac-haired boy.

Luke laughs, walking slightly faster to catch up and walk in step beside Michael. “I just understand numbers better, I guess,” Luke explains, pushing his glasses further up his nose. “Also, metaphors and poems are like a different language to me, so.”

Michael rolls his eyes and laughs, looking back at the blonde to see a smirk on his face. “Didn’t we already have this conversation?” Michael questions, and Luke just shakes his head and continues to follow Michael.

A small silence settles between the two, but it wasn’t awkward. It was comfortable. They were surrounded by students minding their own business, having their own conversations and others helping each other find their way around campus. Michael loves to walk around campus, because it’s one of the most beautiful places he’s seen. There are different types of plants and trees spread throughout campus, all with benches and delicately ornate fountains sporadically placed throughout. There’s a coffee shop in the center of the campus, along with a statue and a plaque built into the ground to honour the school's founders. The air is always crisp and warm, but never too hot or cold. It’s a nice, homely feeling, and Michael’s glad he can feel at home somewhere else other than his own.

“What’s your next class?” Luke breaks the silence, and Michael takes notice of the blonde looking around campus with awe in his eyes. Luke must have not had the chance to look around, and part of Michael wants to guide Luke through every secret and beautiful place their campus has to offer.

“Just a standard english class, required for English majors. It’s pretty easy,” Michael states, and Luke nods in response. “After that, I have music.”

Luke looks up at that, a spark that Michael can’t quite place appearing in the younger boys eyes. “You’re a music minor?”

Michael nods. “Yeah, I play guitar. My best friend Ashton, he plays drums,” Michael informs, and Michael thinks he sees a sad expression cross Luke’s features before being masked by a smile, but Michael knows better than to ask.

“That’s awesome,” is all Luke says, and by the time the conversation has finished, they’ve reached the doors to the classroom.

“So, here you are. Your smart-person classroom, Mathematical Physics.” Michael gestures his arm towards the door, bowing slightly to brighten the mood. Luke laughs, and so does Michael, and the older boy is happy he can bring a smile to Luke’s face.

“Thank you so much for showing me here,” Luke states, and Michael nods in response.

“The rest of your science-based classes will be in here, and your math ones are just in the building next to the coffee shop. My english class is near our creative writing class, but music is across campus,” Michael explains, and Luke furrows his eyebrows before nodding, taking all the information in.

As Michael is about to leave, Luke grabs the lilac-haired boy's shoulder. “Wait! Do you want to work on the project tonight? In the library?” Luke asks, eyes sparkling.

Michael hesitates for a moment, before deciding to go for it. It is a project, and part of Michael wants to stay away from Luke - he has risked all the walls he’s built around himself in two days, and doesn’t want them to take any more damage. But the other part of Michael wants to spend more time with the blonde.

_It’s just a project_ , Michael tells himself. _It’s friendly, nothing more._

“I’d love to,” Michael confirms, and the look of relief and joy on Luke’s face was worth the risk.

“Awesome! See you around five?” Luke questions, and Michael nods.

“Sounds good!” Michael replies, and he watches as the younger boy darts off into class, taking a seat right at the front.

Michael laughs to himself, and starts to make the walk back to his next class. As Michael is taking in the scenery and is left alone with his thoughts on his way back to the English building, he only has one thought.

He’s fucked.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter will be a lot more clemmings for ya! Comments and kudos are appreciated, and also for future updates I am still during exam time but it shouldn't be longer than a week between updates. Thank you for reading, and for updates or just more info on me you can follow my tumblr [here!](https://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com) Have a wonderful day friends!


	4. Logophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i'm sorry this took two weeks again, but my exams are DONE! so expect more frequent updates, loves!  
> here's chapter four. i really like this chapter, i hope you do too!  
> all mistakes are mine x

_**Logophilia -  the love of words and word games** _

Michael spends his English class not paying attention to his professor, but instead to the whirlwind of thoughts inside of his head.

Upon walking Luke to class this morning, and then on the way back to class mulling over his thoughts, trying to convince himself that his and Luke’s relationship wasn’t going to become anything more, a voice in the back of Michael’s brain knew that he really enjoyed the small amounts of time he spent with the blonde, and craved more of it. Michael didn’t want to crave more of it - he wanted to stay in his isolated bubble with just him and Ashton, and make it through university without any relationships or problems at all. Unfortunately, his brain and heart won’t let them happen.

Michael tells himself just because he likes spending time with Luke doesn’t mean that he is crushing or anything - Michael just likes his personality. And Luke has this youthful innocence to him that contrasts Michael’s attitude, and part of Michael likes to be around that positivity. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt Michael to let one more person in.

Michael wasn’t always like this, really. In high school he didn’t have that many friends, but he talked to people, he made acquaintances, he had a best friend and didn’t isolate himself, intentionally at least. But sometimes people closest to you hurt you bad - and maybe Michael still hasn’t recovered from high school. But he doesn’t care much either, because in Michael’s mind, being kind of lonely but having one person to rely on is better than getting hurt, right?

But Michael also knew that he was considerably lonely. Naturally, humans crave social relationships, platonic and romantic. Michael wants nothing more than to give his heart to someone, and show someone how much love he has in his heart. But the problem is, he’s too scared to let anyone get close or let anything happen.

As the bell rings and signals for his next class, Michael thinks that maybe it’s time to stop being scared of letting himself become close with people, and trust them instead.

Or, maybe he only needs to let one more person in, and he wouldn’t mind that person being Luke.

***

Throughout music, Ashton teases Michael about Luke, much to the lilac haired boy's annoyance. At one point, Michael steals Ashton’s drumsticks and tosses them across the room so that he’ll shut Ashton up. Ashton glares at him after that, but it was worth not being teased for an hour and a half.

At the end of his school day, Michael was exhausted and ready to sleep, but he then remembers he has to meet up with Luke later, to start their English project. He also has to work on his music assignment, as he and Ashton both have to write a song and compose at least the chorus of it in two weeks. Michael doesn’t know whether he’s more exhausted from the school day or his whirlwind of thoughts, and decides to go home and just write for a bit.

Michael acknowledges that it’s only 2 o’clock, so he has 3 hours until he’s meeting up with Luke.

Whenever Michael feels stressed, upset, angry, or whatever, he always writes. Even if it comes out as the worst entire poem or song or whatever in the entire world, getting the words out of his system and spilling them onto paper always make him feel better.

Michael throws his things down on the ground and wanders over to his bed, grabbing his journal, which is brown and slightly torn around the edges, because no matter where Michael goes his journal goes with him. He opens to an empty page, and thinks.

At the moment, he’s feeling particularly lonely. Yeah, Michael loves Ashton with all of his heart, and Michael is so thankful to have someone as positive and happy and Ashton in his life. But meeting Luke, and spending as much time with the blonde as he had, made Michael realise maybe he is more lonely than he thought.

Michael didn’t realise how much he wants to get close to someone again. Didn’t realise how much he wants to kiss someone, how much he wants someone to hold him. Michael wants someone to tell him everything will be okay, he wants someone that he’ll be able to trust one-hundred percent and not have to worry about that trust being broken. Michael hates the feeling of loneliness - seeing all the people around you so, so happy and you’re just stuck in the middle, alone, doesn’t feel good. And Michael thinks he’s tired of that feeling.

Michael doesn’t think he has a crush on Luke, or anything, but Michael knows he wants to get to know more about the younger boy. Part of Michael thinks he wouldn’t mind if that someone he’s looking for happened to be tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed and wears glasses that are constantly falling down their nose.

Michael sighs and runs his hand through his hair, hating how he feels. Michael realised he just wishes he had someone there to talk to about stuff like this. Of course, he has Ashton, and Michael knows that Ashton will always listen to him. But Michael doesn’t want to burden Ashton with his problems; Michael knows Ashton has other friends and his family situation isn’t the most ideal, and Ashton doesn’t need the added stress of Michael’s problems on his plate.

Michael hates getting wound up in his thoughts like this, and he hates feeling alone despite the fact he has the most genuine and kind best friend in the entire world. Maybe it’s time for Michael to realise to get by, he might need more than one shoulder to lean on.

As Michael turns to check the time again and notices it’s already four-thirty, and he has to meet Luke in thirty minutes. The library is a good fifteen minute walk from his door, so he’ll have to leave soon.

Michael turns back to his journal, and realises he had only written one phrase on the paper, in large capital letters and scribbled handwriting.

_IS ANYONE THERE AT ALL?_

***

Luke’s already at the library when Michael arrives, glasses half down his nose like usual, several textbooks and notebooks surrounding him. Walking over to Luke, Michael sends all negative thoughts away from his mind. He doesn’t need his negativity affecting Luke’s optimism.

Luke is so focused on what looks to be some kind of physics question that the blonde doesn’t notice Michael standing there for a solid two-minutes, so Michael decides to have some fun.

Michael sneaks around behind Luke’s chair, and gently takes the ends of his glasses and pushes them further down his nose, but they end of falling off and onto Luke’s textbook. Luke jumps and makes a weird, high-pitched noise but with his mouth closed, and Michael doubles over laughing.

“Oh my god!” Luke exclaims, turning around to see Michael laughing behind him. Luke’s exclamation caused a “Sh!” from the librarian, and Michael sees Luke send a sheepish look and a ‘sorry’ mumbled to the librarian before turning his attention back to Michael.

“How long were you standing there?” Luke whispers, expression still slightly alarmed from Michael practically appearing out of nowhere.

Michael walks back around to the seat across from Luke, and smirks. “I was standing in front of you for two-minutes, but you were so focused, I needed someway to break your attention away from that physics text book.”

“You could have said my name, instead of giving me a heart attack,” Luke pouts, placing his glasses back onto his face, and _holy shit,_ does Luke look adorable and hot at the same time. Michael’s eyes glance down to Luke’s lips as Luke rolls his tongue over them, and wonders how they would feel against his own. Would Luke be a kisser that bites the lip, or would he gently relax his mouth against Michael’s and work his way into -

 _Slow the fuck down_ , Michael tells his mind alarmed at his own thoughts, because he does _not_ know where that train of thought came from. Why the hell was he thinking of Luke like that? They were barely friends. Michael needs to make this thoughts go away, and _fast_.

Michael coughs and moves his eyes away from Luke, and goes to grab his notebook. Michael doesn’t miss Luke’s raised eyebrow.

“So,” Michael starts, raising an eyebrow in return to Luke’s. “How was your day?”

A soft smile replaces Luke’s confused expression, and he gestures to the textbooks surrounding him. “Stressful, I have two labs and several assignments already. And it’s the second day.” Luke sighs, moving the rest of his assignments aside and bringing out his English paper.

Michael notices that Luke has dark bags under his eyes, and keeps blinking, as if he were about to fall asleep.

“Hey,” Michael says gently, and meets Luke’s blue eyes. “You look exhausted. We can work on this tomorrow, it isn’t due until the day after.”

Luke shakes his head. “No, no. We should get started, I don’t want you to be behind.” Michael laughs, and Luke shoots a questioning look.

“Dude, I never start an assignment until literally five hours before it’s due. Well, most of the time. I’m not worried.” Michael explains, and Luke’s eyes widen.

“What? How? Don’t you have a shit ton of work, though? Look at all of this! There’s no way I can finish this in even the amount of time I have to, which is twenty-four hours!” Luke rambles, and Michael thinks it’s hilarious, but also feels slight pity, because Luke is still new to university and doesn’t realise that there will be some assignment you literally can’t start until five hours before with the courseload. Michael decides not to bring it up yet, because the poor boy already looks stressed enough.

Michael reaches over the short distance of the table and take a hold of Luke’s shoulder. “Hey, you seem really stressed. If you keep stressing like this, it’s gonna fuck you over. How about this, we talk a little bit and relax before we start, okay?” Michael suggests, and Luke glances at Michael’s hand, and then his face, before nodding while biting his lip.

Michael swears Luke’s cheeks turned slightly more red than usual, but decides to ignore it.

There’s a small silence between them before Luke speaks up. “I like your shirt,” the blonde starts, and Michael’s eyebrows shoot up.

“You like Sleeping with Sirens?” Michael asks, and Luke nods, smile returned to his face. “I’m sorry, just um. You don’t look the type to listen to...that type of music?”

Luke laughs, and he moves his chair closer to Michael’s side of the table. “It’s okay, I get that a lot. I like mostly punk, pop punk and rock, really.” Luke explains, and Michael didn’t think he could like Luke anymore, but holy shit, they both have the same taste in music. And the artists Michael listens to really mean a lot to him.

“Me too, actually. Who are your favourites? Mine are Green Day, All Time Low, Blink, Fall Out Boy, and fuck, there’s so many more.” Michael grins at the way Luke’s eyes light up as Michael was naming off his favourite bands.

“Those are some of my favorites too!” Luke exclaims, a grin forming on his face to match Michael’s own.

This draws them into a conversation about all their favourite bands, artists and musical influences, and Michael can’t tell if he’s either screwed or blessed by his meeting of Luke, but in a split second, Michael makes a decision that he knows there’s no turning back from.

“Hey, Luke?” Michael speaks up, just after Luke finished talking about why Walls was it favourite All Time Low song.

“Yeah?” Luke answers, his signature soft smile resting on his face. Luke’s eyes are sparkling, and they happiness shining through them is so genuine, it makes Michael’s heart do a flip.

“We’re gonna be great friends.”

***

Michael and Luke spends hours in the library talking about music, their favourite instruments and song lyrics and what they mean, which then turns into a conversation about favourite foods and which ice cream flavour is better.

“Dude, no fucking way. Mint choclate chip is the best,” Luke argues, and Michael scoffs.

“You’re disgusting! It’s all minty and gross, like toothpaste. Cookie Dough is the best, admit it,” Michael shoots back, and Luke cross his arms over his chest and glares at Michael.

“No way, I’m not giving in. There’s nothing wrong with ice cream tasting minty, it’s delicious!”

Michael rolls his eyes. “No, ew. Mint is for toothpaste, and mints. Ice cream is supposed to taste _good_ ,” Michael thinks he gets his point across strongly, but Luke just shakes his head.

“Nope, mint is good on anything. Not giving in,” Luke smirks and holds his ground.

“You’re a pain, Hemmings.” Michael states, and Luke’s facial expression breaks into a grin.

Luke looks down at his phone, and his eyes widen. “Holy shit, it’s 9 o’clock.”

Michael’s eyes widen to match Luke’s, followed by them glancing down at their paper. “Um, and we didn’t anything done.”

Michael has a sheepish expression on his face when his green eyes rise to meet Luke’s blue ones, and Luke has a similar expression on his face. They keep eye contact for a solid minute before breaking out into a fit of giggles.

Somehow, throughout the night, Luke’s chair ended up directly next to Michael’s. Their knees were touching, and many times when Luke laughed or was reacting to something Michael said, one of Luke’s hands would always end up on his thigh or arm, and Michael would be lying is he said he didn’t like it.

“Can you believe we spent four hours talking about just, nothing?” Luke asks, as he starts to pack up his textbooks and papers.

“I’m pretty sure we spent at least two arguing over ice cream,” Michael points out, and Luke shoves him on the shoulder.

They walk out of the library while ignoring the librarians glare, and when they get outisde they face each other for a minute before Michael speaks up. “I’ll walk you to your dorm, it’s late.”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Luke says, shaking his head.

“Nope, I’m being nice. We got nothing done, the least I can do is walk you to your dorm.” Michael settles, and gestures for Luke to lead the way.

Luke just shakes his head and starts walking, leaving a smirk on Michael’s face.

The walk is quiet, but comfortable. Michael spends this time thinking that he really enjoyed his time with Luke, and he made a good decision to befriend him. But, despite the fact that Michael will admit their friends now, that doesn’t mean Michael isn’t scared of their relationship becoming something more.

Obviously, he’s overthinking this because for his relationship with Luke to develop into anything, it would have to be mutual. And Michael doubts Luke is thinking about kissing him.

For now, Michael will just celebrate the fact he finally found the courage to let someone in other than Ashton. Luke is as positive and happy as Ashton practically, yet a bit more innocent. Michael’s glad it was Luke he decided to let in.

Michael wasn’t really paying attention to their whereabouts, and as they enter the dorm building he realises he and Luke live in the same one.

“Hey, this is where I am, too. What floor do you live on?” Michael speaks up.

Luke looks surprised, and then smiles. “Really? Cool! I live on the first floor, right...here actually.” Luke stops only two doors away fromt the entrance, and Michael nods, remembering the location if he ever needs anything.

“Third floor,” Michael replies, and Luke nods his head in acknowledgment.

“Thank you,” Luke says, and Michael shoots him a questioning look.

“For what?”

“Just, having a casual conversation with me. I haven’t talked about anything not school related, in, well, a while.” Luke replies, looking down at the floor.

Michael feels a wave of sympathy wash over him, and wants to embrace Luke in a hug, but decides against it. There were boundaries he didn’t want to cross. Not yet, anyway.

“Hey, it’s no problem. That’s what friends are for right?”

Luke looks back up, and smiles. “Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow!” Michael replies, and as Luke opens his door and waves goodbye, Michael’s eyes land on what he thinks is a guitar.

Luke follows Michael eyeline and Michael swears he sees Luke’s eyes widen, but maybe his eyes are playing a trick on him.

“Bye!” Luke waves again, and then his door is shut.

“Bye,” Michael mumbles, eyebrow furrowoed.

Michael thinks it’s strange that Luke had a guitar, but didn’t mention it, especially with the fact Michael plays too. But then he remembers that Luke has a roomate, and shakes the thoughts away.

All in all, Michael had an amazing time with Luke. Sure, he has fun times with Ashton, but with Luke it was new and refresing, and it felt good. Michael doesn’t remember the last time he felt this worried and stress free.

Michael goes up to his dorm, and flops down on his bed, and before he closes his eyes, his phone lights up on his nightstand. Michael grabs it, and sees a message from Luke.

**From: Luke**

_Really, thank you again. Small conversations like that mean a lot to me. Have a goodnight, see you tomorrow!_

Michael smiles and ignores how his heart starts beating faster after that text message, and shoots a quick message back.

**To: Luke**

_Really, it’s no problem. I’m glad we’re friends. See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Luke._

For the first time in a while, Michael falls asleep with a smile on his face, happy feeling in his chest and a clear mind.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and putting up with my breaks in between updates. i'm less busy now, so they'll be more frequent. also, i promise, calum will be introduced soon. i have a place for him, he just comes a little later.  
> if you have any questions about the fic, or just want to talk to me, visit me on tumblr [here!](https://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)  
> thank you again for reading!


	5. Philia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! this is a little bit of a filler, but is important for michael's development as a character.  
> not much luke in it, mostly some michael ashton friendship talks.  
> also note the chapter title; the brotherly love it's referring to is ashton and michael's friendship   
> enjoy!   
> all mistakes are mine x

_**Philia - close friendship or brotherly love** _

Michael may love writing songs or poems, but nothing compares to short stories, or simple excerpts from a story he may never write.

The one type of story that’s stayed consistent through Michael's life, though, was where Michael would imagine himself falling in love.

The person never had a face to them, but their personality was caring, kind, and loved Michael more than anything. And Michael gave them his entire heart. The stories would either be small excerpts of meetings, dates, or any form of love he could think of or create with his mind.

Today, when Michael is writing another one of these small stories, he can’t help but imagine the once faceless person he once pictures, now with blonde hair, blue eyes and wide-framed glasses. He ignores that, though.

Michael was sat at his desk in his dorm, relishing in the fact he was finally the weekend. He finally had some time to relax.

Over the past couple days, he and Luke had become more talkative in class, as well as their texts were quite frequent. They’d ended up finishing their assignment for their short story class, and it had turned into some really weird story about two bank robbers falling in love, getting arrested and meeting each other again in hell after they’d died.

Michael wasn’t sure what brought on that type of story line for he and Luke to write, but it brought them a lot of laughs, which is something Michael hadn’t been doing too often.

Sure, part of Michael was still scared that he let Luke in. Of course, they were just friends - but Michael feels in the back of his head, there’s more there than he thinks. But he’ll choose to ignore it, because he hasn’t been so happy several days in a row in a long time, and befriending Luke was definitely contributing to that.

Instead of dwelling on his feelings for too long, he decides to turn back to what he was writing. Michael was quite proud of it so far, but frowned at the way the story ended. For some reason, Michael can never end one of his stories on a happy note. They all end in sadness, pain, and loneliness; always with the character based off of Michael getting hurt. Michael pretends he doesn’t know where this stems from; but in reality, he knows it’s his subconscious fears being put into his writing. 

Michael sighs and runs his hands through his hair, setting his journal down and relocating to his bed. He grabs his phone and sees a text from Luke asking how his day has been, and Michael smiles down at his phone, replies with a simple ‘boring, you?’.

Michael was still absentmindedly smiling down at his phone when his door opened, causing him to jump, and glaring when it was just Ashton standing in his doorway. Ashton was grinning at him, looking as he was trying to hold on a laugh, and Michael held his glare.

“Stop coming in uninvited and scaring the shit out of me,” Michael comments, and Ashton breaks his stoic expression with a laugh.

Ashton moves towards Michael’s bed and takes a seat on the end of the lilac haired boy’s bed, making himself comfortable. “You’re the one who gave me a key,” Ashton defends, and Michael sighs.

“I didn’t know you’d be this annoying.”

Ashton scoffs. “I didn’t know you were such an asshole.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did. It was part of becoming my best friend, you have to deal with my ‘constantly being an ass’ attitude.”

Ashton turns and shoves Michael’s shoulder, causing Michael to once again roll his eyes and shift his position on the bed.

It’s quite for a minute, but it’s comfortable. The silence is filled with noises of campus students gathering together outside of Michael’s open window, laughter and small talk filtering through the air. The fresh breeze could be felt coming through, the warm weather being felt throughout the room.

This silence is then interrupted by Michael’s phone dinging, and he doesn’t miss Ashton raise an eyebrow at that, but brushed him off and grabs his phone, seeing Luke’s reply.

**From: Luke**

_ It’s stressful, I have so much homework so I don’t have time to talk! I was just checking to make sure you’re having a good day. I hope you’re boring day gets better! _

Michael can feel the smile lighting up his face, and he can practically feel Ashton’s eyes on him as he types his reply.

**To: Luke**

_ Thank you. Don’t get too stressed out. Text if you need a break. Good luck! _

Michael puts his phone down and tries to bring an innocent looking expression to his face when he turns to Ashton, and Ashton in return just raises an eyebrow.

“Who was that?” Ashton asks, small smile playing on his lips.

Michael bites his lip. “Luke. You know, from my creative writing class.”

Michael hates the grin that appears on Ashton’s face, and tries to back away but fails as Ashton flings himself onto Michael, wrapping him in a hug.

“I can’t believe you’re talking to other people! I’m so proud of you,” Ashton says, and Michael blushes, returning Ashton’s hug.

“Luke is nice,” Michael starts, and Ashton once again raises an eyebrow. “Shut up, Ashton. We’re just friends, okay?”

“Sure,” Ashton smirks, but then Michael remembers seeing something, and a smirk of his own takes place of his smile.

“Hey, actually, I saw you on campus smiling down really big at your phone a couple times, any comment?” Michael asks, and he can’t help but laugh as the colour drains out of the hazel eyed boys face.

“No one!” Ashton quickly responds, coughing into his elbow than running a hand through his bronze curls. Michael turns towards Ashton with an expectant look on his face, waiting for an answer.

“Really?”

Ashton shoves Michael so that he falls back on the bed, and Michael laughs at how flustered Ashton got. Whenever Ashton liked someone in more than a platonic way, his usual confident and calm demeanor got all nervous and fidgety, and it always amused Michael to his core.

“It’s just a nice, uh, person from my standard sports class, that I didn’t take last year. Okay?” Ashton bites his lip, and Michael decides to let it go. But apparently Ashton has another conversation topic on his mind.

“So, Michael.” the shorter boy starts, and Michael looks up at him from under his fringe. “You seem to be texting Luke a lot, and I saw you guys in the library the other day.”

Michael shoots up from his position on his back, moving to sit upright. “You saw me? And didn’t say hi?” Michael attempts at a joke, to divert the question Michael knows is coming.

“Yes,” Ashton replies, and meets Michael’s gaze. “I didn’t interrupt because you looked..really happy. You were so animated in conversation, and laughing so, so much. It’s been awhile since you looked so carefree, Mikey,” Ashton finishes, soft smile resting on his face as he turns toward the pale boy.

Michael turns so his legs swing off the side of the bed, eyes going anywhere but meeting Ashton’s hazel irides. He’s trying to think of a way to play it off, to deny what Michael knows he feels, but he’s coming up blank.

“I, uh,” Michael stutters, and decides to just go for it. “Yeah. I do feel happier lately,” Michael admits, and Ashton puts an arm around his shoulder.

“Michael, I know it’s hard for you to admit anything regarding feelings to yourself, and I still don’t know why, but I know you were hurt at some point. And that makes me sad, but I hate seeing you lonely, or upset. You deserve to be happy.” Ashton starts, and Michael leans his head on Ashton’s shoulder.

Michael and Ashton have had this type of relationship for their entire friendship, filled with hugs and cuddles and shoulder-leans, to the outsider looking more than platonic. But Michael and Ashton knew it was nothing more than that; they were just people who craved touch and warmth from the people they’re closest too, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling close to your best friend.

Ashton continues. “So, can you please be honest with me when I ask a question?”

Michael bites his lip and closes his eyes, knowing what question is coming, and not wanting to answer it. But he has to, because he needs to start being honest with himself; and not denying any trace of his feelings whatsoever. Maybe, just maybe that’s what’s holding him back.

“Yes,” Michael whispers, and Ashton rubs soothing circles on Michael’s back.

“Do you like Luke? Like more than a friend? I know it hasn’t been long, but the way I saw you acting…”Ashton trails off, and Michael takes a deep breath.

Michael has to think for a minute. Ever since he and Luke became friends, Michael was always in a better, more upbeat mood. And sure, he still had some times where he was down or lonely, but he would get a text from Luke and his mood would brighten immediately. Sure, in the past Ashton had been able to make Michael feel better, but Ashton has never made Michael’s heart beat erratically and his stomach do flips, luke Luke has. Michael has never imagined what it’s like to kiss Ashton, but every night he always falls asleep imagining kissing a soft, boyish face with bright blue eyes and chapped lips.

Michael thinks he’s felt this way since he first saw the younger boy on his first day of class, but was too scared; too in denial of everything to really acknowledge it. 

But maybe that’s the reason all of Michael’s stories end in pain and sadness. It’s because Michael is lonely, it’s because Michael is so scared that he won’t let himself take risks, that he won’t let himself get anything he truly wants.

Maybe it’s time to stop being scared. Maybe it’s time for Michael to start progressing to the end of his own story, and making sure he gets his happy ending.

Michael takes a deep breath, and turns to meet Ashton’s kind eyes.

“I do,” Michael says. “I like Luke.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> also, to ease your anticipation: calum is coming in chapter 8. only three more chapters!  
> i hope you enjoyed the chapter, if you have any questions or just want to talk, my tumblr is [here!](https://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


	6. Agathophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i'm sorry this is a day late to my usual updates, but i hope this chapter makes up for it.  
> i try to update once a week!  
> enjoy. minor warnings for negative thoughts, and slight anxiety towards the end but nothing too bad.  
> all mistakes are mine x

_**agathophilia - love of kindness; being kind** _

 

After Ashton leaves, Michael spends quite a bit of time thinking over his realization.

He’s proud of himself for finally admitting what he already knew in the first place. He had definitely been crushing on Luke since the first time the younger boy spoke to him.

Michael usually just ignores his feelings, really. It’s better that way. This way he lives life not caring, just pushing everything back and watching everyone else’s problems.

But in reality, Michael knows he has more problems than he lets on. He can see it through the songs that he writes and the emotions he didn’t think he was even feeling. He can see it through the stories he writes in his journal, how there’s always something missing. Michael just wishes he could pinpoint exactly where those emotions lie underneath the surface, but instead they’re a constant cloud inside his head, always breaking apart and coming together at different moments and he can’t determine  which emotion is where and what it all means.

Michael realized he did like Luke, but he also realized that maybe he needs to start admitting more to himself. He needs to start bringing himself more out there.

Maybe it’s time to end this safe bubble he has. Michael may have never been hurt while inside of it, but he’s never been happy either.

It’s not like he’s sad all the time, though. Michael just feels like he’s drifting through life. He’s not making any marks on the world, he’s not changing anything about himself except his hair every once in awhile. Michael just feels like he exists, but it’s not like he really matters. And he’s tired of feeling like that.

But something is still holding Michael back, and he’s sure it’s fear.

Michael knows he’s scared of getting hurt again, all due to his one closest friend hurting him, the one person he never expected to do anything to hurt him. But it happened, and since then Michael has been stuck.

But, lying here in his dorm room, at 6 p.m on a Saturday night, staring at his almost bare walls save for his several All Time Low and Blink-182 posters and a couple pictures of him and his parents, Michael thinks he found a deeper, darker reason he’s scared of letting anyone in.

What if he’s the one hurting them?

What if Michael isn’t good enough for anyone? The fact that he gets overly emotional sometimes, the fact that if one small thing happens that even chips a little bit of his heart he’ll run, the fact that’s he’s not a happy or completely joyful person, or more so a pessimist. No one really would enjoy spending time with him, would they? Michael’s surprised even Ashton has stuck with him this long.

Michael just feels that in a way, if he gets near someone, he’ll affect them. He’ll affect them in a bad way. He thinks he’ll make them change, that he’ll poison them in some way. He won’t be good enough for them, or he just won’t be good for them, period.

He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he doesn’t want to make anyone sad because of him or change anyone because of who he is. Michael doesn’t know if he’s hurt anyone in the past, and he hopes to God he never does, because being hurt is one thing to live with. But Michael knows he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of hurting someone.

And what if Michael hurts someone just by being close to them? 

Part of Michael knows he has a kind heart, but Michael thinks that maybe he doesn’t. He does empathize with everyone he’s met; constantly helping those who need it in his classes, or in need, or simply just picking up a fellow campus goers books who’ve dropped them. He helps out his teachers sometimes, he calls his parents every weekend, and he’s saddened by so much going on in the world.

But he’s scared that if he tries to delve any further, tries to help anymore, to get more involved, he might end up hurting himself, and someone else in the process. Michael doesn’t want that.

With a sigh, wanting to get rid of how negative his thoughts were getting but failing, Michael stumbles back to the realization that he likes Luke. With all the other shit Michael’s been thinking about, he’s surprised he isn’t more freaked about this one in particular. 

But, with Michael’s realization of his crush, it doesn’t mean he has to act on it. It’s highly unlikely that Luke even likes Michael more than platonically. Luke is just a really friendly, overenthusiastic dork whose eyes shine the brightest blue when talking about his passions and has lips that resemble the colour of the inside of a strawberry, ready to kiss at any moment.

Also, Luke wouldn’t like someone like Michael. Luke is smart, friendly and outgoing. Michael is cold, isolated and only has motivation for certain things. Some do say opposites attract, but Michael thinks this case is unlikely. Luke would need someone who would move him forward. Michael would just push him back.

Michael is content just having a crush, he’s sure it’s unrequited and he’ll probably get over it. It may hurt a bit, but it’s better than getting hurt by rejection or Michael himself hurting Luke in the process. He wants to cherish Luke as a friend, and celebrate the small victory he had with finally letting someone in, that person being Luke.

Michael’s mind is an endless void of swirling thoughts at the moment, his self-doubt at the top with all his insecurities and feelings a looming cloud underneath, waiting to escape. And Michael isn’t going to sit on them and let them build; he wants to release them and to do this, he’s going to write.

Michael doesn’t know how he feels, it’s all too messed up, too many emotions enveloping each other into one. But, normally Michael’s emotions show through his lyrics without him even realizing. So he grabs his journal, his favourite pen and guitar, and starts pouring his messy, confusing thoughts onto the paper through the ink.

***

Almost an hour has passed and the words were flowing smoothly from Michael’s mind to his paper, but now he’s stuck on the second verse. Michael has his pen between his teeth, his eyebrow furrowed and several pages of scribbled, black ink full of emotion. He has the basic chords worked out and written on a separate page, and how he just needs the words to match the rhythm.

Michael is so concentrated on writing down and crossing out words and phrases that just don’t work with the emotional mood of the song; he’s yet to look it over entirely but he thinks he has something going, and whatever it is is working to get all of his confusing and conflicting emotions off of his chest. 

In fact, he’s so focused that he almost misses a light knock on his door. He briefly glances up and assumes it’s Ashton, who usually just let’s himself in and goes back to his work. Ashton has seen Michael in his ‘song-writing mode’, and as Ashton had once put it, even if he were to slap Michael in the face he doesn’t think that would break Michael’s concentration.

After a minute without his door opening though, confusion clouds Michael’s thoughts. The only person who could possibly be visiting him would be Ashton, and it’s not time for their monthly dorm room check ups yet.

Michael calls out “Just a minute!” as he throws his journal onto his bed and the words he had been pouring out on the page face the ceiling and sets his guitar to gently lean against his bed. He quickly glances in the mirror and frowns at his hair which is becoming more of a dusty gray now instead of lilac, and makes a note to re dye it a different colour soon. 

Michael quickly smooths out his hair and clothes, and walks over to open the door.

“How can I-” he stops short and his eyes widen when he sees Luke, the ever present soft-smile on his face and blue eyes looking down towards the ground, shy. “Luke? You found my dorm?” Michael questions instead, and tries to meet Luke’s kind eyes, which are still trained at his feet.

“Um, you told me you were the floor above, and I asked the RA for your room number,” Luke stutters out, and Michael feels his stomach churn at how shy and kind Luke is acting.

“Oh,” Michael says, and mentally slaps himself for being so awkward. Why was he like this? “What brings you here?”

“Um,” Luke starts, finally glancing up to meet Michael’s eye. Luke looks slightly uncomfortable, if anything, and Michael so badly wants to make his discomfort go away. 

Michael takes this slight pause to look at Luke’s appearance. His usually pushed back and quiffed up hair is not styled, but falling freely to the side, fluffy and uncombed. Luke’s hair this way makes him look innocent yet sinful, and Michael wants nothing more than to run his hands through it. The younger boys glasses are resting in their usual spot, slightly too far down his nose to where he constantly has to push them back up. Luke’s wearing skinny jeans and a loose-fitting flannel, with two buttons at the top slightly undone, which is unusual for Luke, who always looks semi-professional. The small amount of Luke’s pale skin that is being exposed have caught Michael’s eye, and he swallows thickly, imagining what it would be like to darken Luke’s skin with his lips.

“Well,” Luke starts again, and Michael’s eyes quickly flit back upwards to Luke’s, where they were supposed to be initially. Michael feels a blush rise, but has an internal breath of relief as he realizes Luke didn’t notice him staring.

Luke has stopped again, hands fidgeting nervously. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be nervous around me,” Michael soothes, bringing an arm out to rest on Luke’s shoulder. The blonde chuckles slightly, and Michael hopes he’s not overstepping any boundaries. If anything, Michael’s overstepping the boundaries he’s set for himself.

“Sorry, it’s an awkward topic.” Luke takes a breath, and manages to stutter it out in one sentence. “My roommate brought back a guy and I walked in on them having sex and ran away, and I didn’t know where to go and I came here.”

Michael stares at Luke for a minute while the younger boy catches his breath, and then Michael laughs. That is not what he is expecting at all. Michael laughs while opening his door wider and gesturing for Luke to come inside, and shuts his door.

“It’s not funny, it was traumatizing,” Luke whines, and Michael has finally calmed down enough to catch his breath.

“I’m sorry that that happened to you, but that’s hilarious.” Michael teases, and Luke rolls his eyes.

They stand around for a minute as Michael watches Luke take in his room. Michael watches sea blue irides scan his walls and his posters, skimming towards his bookshelf which is in no way organized and has a couple pictures of his parents, towards his desk with his computer, and then finally landing on his bed and his guitar, where they seem to stick for several seconds before Luke turns back to Michael.

“You have a nice room,” Luke says, softly. All awkwardness is gone, and now a comfortable air between the two boys has filled the room.

Michael moves over to his bed, sits on it and pats the open space next to him for Luke to sit. Luke shuffles towards the bed, sending a small smile Michael’s way before sitting.

“So, busy weekend?” Michael starts, and he really hates that his conversation starters are so awkward. Not talking or becoming friends with anyone for a while definitely puts a damper on one’s social skills.

Luke sighs and takes his glasses off to rub them on his shirt, and Michael’s breath catches. Michael hasn’t seen Luke without glasses, and though Luke’s glasses make who he is as a person, Luke just looks so good with his face bare and hair unstyled, that Michael just wants to run his hands over the blonde’s features and memorize every touch.

“Yeah, so much course load. Thank you for texting me, by the way. Just some reassurance calms me down.” 

Michael smiles, and repositions himself so he is sitting against the wall with his legs stretched out. Luke raises an eyebrow and Michael raises one back. Luke then takes the same position but opposite, his back against the rest at the end of the bed and legs spread horizontally to Michael’s, black jeans touching gray sweatpants. Michael swallows at the touching of their legs and he feels warm, and damn, if Michael wants to avoid getting any closer to Luke he really needs to control his thoughts.

Luke starts a conversation about Michael’s posters, and this conversation easily flows into one about music, school and life in general. That’s one of the things Michael likes about Luke, besides his kind and sweet personality and boyish looks, the fact that Luke can make a conversation flow so easily, and it can be so genuine at the same time. No matter how many times Michael may say something awkward or stupid, Luke just laughs and steers the conversation somewhere more interesting, somewhere better.

Their conversation has come to a small lull, the sounds of parties and college students drinking on a Saturday night flowing through the window, along with the fresh breeze making the room slightly cold. Michael thinks he might be overstepping by bringing up this next topic, but his curiosity gets the best of him and asks anyways.

“I noticed you staring at my guitar, and um, noticed that you had one in your room too.” Michael starts, and Luke’s eyes widen slightly, then bites his lip and trains his eyes towards the ground. Michael immediately feels guilty. “Shit, I’m sorry if it bothers you to bring it up, because I told you I played, and was wondering, y’know,” the older boy trails off, and he can almost see wheels turning in Luke’s head, and Michael knows he’s deciding whether or not to tell Michael. They’ve only been friends for a little over a week, but Michael feels closer to Luke than anyone else except for Ashton, but that’s probably because they’re his only two friends.

Luke shakes his head, and rearranges himself to he’s sitting cross-legged in front of Michael, and the lilac haired boy does the same. Michael pats Luke’s knee as a comforting gesture, and Michael’s heart speeds up at the grateful smile Luke gives him in return.

“No, it’s okay, I just haven’t been asked in a while,” Luke explains, and Michael nods to continue. “I used to play, and I really enjoyed it, but..” Luke halts for a minute, and Michael’s heart breaks as he notices the blonde start to blink slightly faster if to chase away tears. “I had to stop.” Luke finishes, and Michael knows not to question further.

Ignoring Michael’s own boundaries and probably Luke's, Michael reaches forward to encapture Luke in a hug. Luke immediately clings back and rests his hands on Michael’s lower back. Michael closes his eyes and breathes in Luke for a minute, wanting to remember how nice it feels to have someone in his arms, that someone being the sweetest boy he’s ever met.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Michael pulls away from the hug, tilting Luke’s chin upwards so that sea blue eyes mean green. “I shouldn’t have asked, I was curious. But Luke, if you’re ever upset or anything, you’re welcome here, okay?” Michael says, his voice strong, but Michael misses Luke’s reaction at all, because he’s so, so close to Luke’s lips, he’s so close to be able to kiss them, but he can’t, and he needs to chase these thoughts away before it can happen.

Then, as if Luke was reading his mind or someone in the universe just wanted to fuck Michael’s mind up even more, he feels soft lips against his, warm and wet on Michael’s own, and before Michael can think he’s kissing back, wrapping an arm around the back of Luke’s neck. Luke bites Michael’s lip and rests a hand on the older boy’s lower back, and Michael moans as this feels so so good, and he hasn’t had this for so long. And Luke’s lips are moving in a pace with Michael’s that is so constant, so gentle and delicate, and then Luke moans and pulls Michael closer, and then realization hits Michael.

Michael quickly brings a hand up to Luke’s chest and pushes him away, eyes wide and frantic. Luke looks confused, and Michael feels his breath quicken.

Luke just kissed him.  _ Luke _ just initiated a  _ kiss _ with Michael. With  _ Michael. _ No, no this wasn’t supposed to happen. Michael was supposed to just sit and stir on this crush, it was supposed to be unrequited and he would just let it pass, let it go. Luke wasn’t supposed to have any attraction towards him, and even though it feels so, so good to have kissed Luke, Michael is freaked out. 

Michael wasn’t supposed to get any closer to Luke. He wasn’t supposed to act on it at all, he was supposed to just be friends with Luke, that’s it, nothing more.

Michael knows his breathing has quickened a bit, and he feels a hand on his arm. He’s snapped out of his daze by the problem at hand, blue eyes staring at him frantically and worried, and Michael still can’t gather his thoughts.

“Fuck, oh my god. Michael, I’m sorry - I, I must’ve misread the situation, fuck, I fucked up -” Luke rambles on, and Michael isn’t paying attention anymore. He had a perfect plan to make sure he doesn’t get hurt, to make sure no one else down, and it’s fucked up and he doesn’t know what to do.

Michael barely registers the door opening, he barely registers Ashton and Luke’s voices questioning if they know each other or not, but then he turns slightly and notices Ashton’s still standing with the door behind him open.

Michael quickly glances between Ashton and Luke, who look like they're in the midst of conversation, so he takes this moment to move.

Michael stands quickly, practically runs across the room, he thinks he’s shoved Ashton to the side but isn’t too sure, and all he can hear underneath all of his thoughts is his name being called behind, but he doesn’t care, he just keeps running.

Because that’s what Michael does when he doesn’t know what to do.

He runs.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry ;)  
> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed!  
> if you have any questions or just want to talk to me, hit me up on tumblr at [candyflossclifford](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


	7. Cainophobia - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm sorry this took longer i've had writers block but here you go!!  
> also we've got a phobia in the title instead of a philia - i thought it suited it a lil better  
> enjoy!!

_ cainophobia- fear of new things _

Luke wasn’t sure what to think. Him and Michael were in such a close position, and the way they were sat made Luke think maybe it was the right time to kiss Michael. Or maybe Luke wasn’t thinking, or overthinking. Whatever it was, made Michael run, and Luke felt really fucking bad.

He’s a little hurt by Michael running away - but he’s also scared he’d hurt Michael. That was never Luke’s intention. Luke's made it his mission to always go after what he wants, and try to find positivity in everything, but maybe he jumped on this too fast.

Instead of overthinking this situation, he’ll just focus on the guy standing at the door, who Luke’s one hundred percent sure he just saw  _ banging his roommate. _

Luke coughs. “Seriously, was it you? Y’know, with, uh-”

The boy with the curly hair coughs, ending Luke’s sentence and moves closer into the room towards Luke, and extends a hand. “Fine, yes It was me. Don’t tell Michael, okay? I’m Ashton, by the way.” Luke takes his hand and shakes it, and Ashton’s awkward expression is replaced by a radiant smile, and Luke doesn’t think he’s ever seen a smile so bright.

“Luke,” Luke replies, and Ashton sits beside him on the bed. There’s an awkward silence for a bit before Ashton breaks it.

“So, you’re Luke,” Ashton starts, and Luke raises an eyebrow.

“I am.”

“Michael’s spoken about you,” Ashton continues, and Luke runs a hand through his hair. Worry for Michael takes over Luke’s mind, and he decides to speak about the elephant in the room which both of them seem to be avoiding. And if this Ashton guy just waltzed into Michael’s room, him and Michael must be close.

“Is he okay? Did I do something wrong?” Luke asks, turning towards Ashton. A sympathetic smile appears on Ashton’s face, hazel eyes filled with concern.

“I’ll be honest, I don’t know,” Ashton sighs, and Luke feels his heart drop. Ashton must’ve notices Luke’s change in demeanor, and quickly starts again. “But, what I do know, is Michael does like you. I’m his best friend, but I’ve been the only person he’s even let get remotely close to him since he’s started here,” Ashton explains, and Luke’s eyebrows furrow.

“Wait, what do you mean let in?” Luke questions, and turns more to face Ashton.

Ashton continues. “Michael doesn’t open up easily…….he’s scared, of getting hurt, I’m sure. He isn’t used to it. I don’t know what happened, but I think that’s what made him run.” Ashton sighs and Luke feels his heart clench in his chest again. Luke doesn’t want to think about Michael getting hurt. Michael was one of the nicest people Luke had met in his short time here, and it breaks his heart that anyone had hurt him.

Luke thinks about Ashton’s words for a minute. “Is..is that why he ran? Was he scared of how he felt?”

Ashton nods. “I think so, I think he accepted liking you, but he never really thought about it being reciprocated, and once you kissed him, I think Michael realised it was real, and he got freaked out. I’ve known him long enough to know how his head works.”

Luke bites his lip. “I didn’t mean to scare him away,” Luke whispers, and he feels an arm wrap around his shoulders.

“It’s not your fault,” Ashton reassures, and Luke can’t help but feel guilty. “Michael’s just Michael. I was really happy for him when he told me he was hanging out with you more, being friends. It takes a lot for Michael to do that, I’ve been pushing for a while.”

Luke decides he likes Ashton, because if someone cares about Michael that much, they’re a person worth befriending. And even though the boys only had a brief, really awkward with each other beforehand, Luke already feels comfortable around Ashton.

“Thank you,” Luke says, and Ashton smiles at him. “Should I go talk to Michael?”

Ashton shakes his head. “He needs to be alone for a bit, and I’ll go talk some sense into him.” Luke nods, and starts making his way to the door.

As he’s about to leave, Ashton speaks up again. “Don’t give up on him,” the older boy starts, and Luke’s eyebrows furrow. “Michael can be hard to talk to sometimes, and he doesn’t open up easily. But he has the kindest heart I know, and loves more than anyone in the world. Please don’t give up on him,” Ashton finishes, and Luke smiles.

“I won’t.”

***

When Michael’s sad, or feeling too many emotions at once, sometimes he just needs to get away. Away from his room, away from everyone and just be by himself. In these times, Michael escapes to the library, and ventures up to the second floor and hides himself in the corner of the ‘Religious History’ section, where there’s usually either no one or some couple making out too aggressively on the floor.

Luckily, Michael and his stewing thoughts were the only thing on this floor today.

Michael had really fucked up his only opportunity at happiness, didn’t he? 

Michael wants to cry. He was so proud of himself, proud of himself for letting Luke in, for befriending Luke, for admitting to himself he liked the younger boy, but as soon as everything became real, he ran. And he hates himself for it.

Luke was so kind to him, so nice, so happy and positive and Michael just fucked up it. This is why he doesn’t get close to people, because he ends up hurting them and he himself gets hurt. It was a mistake. He knew it.

And now, every chance of Luke wanting Michael to be more than friends is completely gone. Luke probably wants nothing to do with Michael anymore, the blonde probably thought that he felt something for Michael but then realised what a shitty person he was and now will never speak to Michael again.

Michael feels a tear slide down his cheek, and hastily wipes it away. He hates that he’s like this, hates that he runs, hates that he’s so scared. Michael knows you need to stop dwelling on the past one day - but he can’t. He needs closure, but he has no way to get that.

So for now, Michael will just dwell on what a shitty person he is and cry and pour his feelings out onto paper.

As Michael sits up and opens his notebook - which he doesn’t remember grabbing on his hasty exit from his dorm - a shadow appears over his head. Michael looks up and meets the kind hazel eyes he was brave enough to actually let in and not push away, and Michael wants to cry again because Ashton doesn’t deserve Michael’s stupid self loathing.

Michael looks down again at his notebook, and he feels Ashton sit down beside him.

“Michael,” Ashton starts, but Michael edges himself away. Ashton pulls him back. “Michael, we need to talk about this, it’s not healthy, what you’re doing to yourself.”

Michael shakes his head. “It’s safer this way,” he says, and Ashton sighs.

“What happened that made you so scared, Mikey? Please talk to me,” Ashton pleads, and Michael bites his lip.

Michael does want closure, he so desperately does - but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t want to talk at all. So for now, because Ashton’s done so much for him, he’ll only reveal small bits at a time.

“My best friend, in high school,” Michael starts, and Ashton wraps an arm around Michael’s shoulder. “We were closer than anyone, and he was really the only person I trusted. Something happened and he completely shut me out, and there’s more to it but for now it’s just. Leave it at that.” Michael pushes a hand through his hair, and when saying it like that, Michael lets out a dry chuckle. “Wow, pretty pathetic reason to be like this, huh?” 

Ashton immediately jumps in. “No, it’s not pathetic. You being hurt by anything is a valid reason, Michael. I just worry, okay?” Ashton says, and when Michael looks into his best friend’s eyes he almost cries at the sincerity lying within.

Ashton’s eyes stay connected with Michael’s, and he continues. “I know you like Luke, a lot. You should just let it, whatever it is between you continue.”

Michael shakes his head yet again. “I can’t, not anymore at least. He probably hates me now.”

“No, Michael, he doesn’t. Luke was really scared he hurt you.”

“He didn’t, I’m the one that fucked up,” Michael sighs, and he leans his head on Ashton’s shoulder. The curly haired boy places a hand on Michael’s head and runs his fingers through the lilac hair.

“I’m not going to say it wasn’t a bad idea to run, but I know that you’re scared, and with how little you told me why, I can understand a bit,” Ashton starts, and Michael listens. “But Michael, I know you’re scared. I know you’re hurt. But the only way to heal is to let yourself be healed - let yourself do fun things. Let yourself fall for people. Maybe you’ll get hurt and it’ll fucking suck. But, if you continue just being closed off - you’ll never have fun or be happy.”

Michael closes his eyes and feels another tear roll down his cheek. Michael doesn’t want to be scared, but he can’t help it.

But Ashton’s also right. Michael’s been living scared and alone for so fucking long, and maybe he just needs to get over it. He may still need closure for his past, but if he’ll never find it he needs to get over it. Michael just wants to be fucking happy, and even if he gets hurt, someone as pure and genuine as Luke deserves an explanation and a chance.

“Okay,” Michael whispers, and leans further into Ashton’s shoulder. “It’ll take time, but I want to. I want to try with Luke.”

“Good,” Ashton says, and Michael feels his best friend's arm tighten. “I’m glad you’re going to try. I know it’ll be hard, but it’s worth it, I promise.”

Michael shifts from Ashton’s grip, and instead turns towards him. “But, what do I do? How do I even start with Luke.”

Ashton smiles, one of his smiles that just lets Michael know everything will be okay, and he’s thankful. “Just talk to him. Tell him the truth - how you feel. I know that’s hard for you but if you want anything to work, he’ll have to understand you. Make him understand you need him to be patient with you - you’re just getting back into this. And trust me, I know Luke won’t give on you.”

Michael bites his lip. “Okay. Promise?”

“Promise,” Ashton says, and then grins. “And trust me, if he isn’t, I’ll kick his ass.’

Michael rolls his eyes. “Please don’t, Luke’s too nice for an ass kicking.”

Ashton scoffs. “God, you have known each other for such a short time and you’re this whipped? No wonder he caused you an existential crisis,” Ashton jokes and Michael glares.

“Shut up, Ashton.” Michael groans, and stands up, Ashton following suit.

“I have to go out,” Ashton says as they exit the library, and pulls Michael into a hug. “Talk to him, okay? He likes you a lot. Trust me.”

“I do,” Michael replies, pulling away from the hug. They turn their separate ways, and Michael takes a deep breath. Michael doesn’t know if he’s one-hundred percent ready to give Luke his heart, but Michael knows he wants to hold hands with Luke, kiss Luke and get to know every single thing there is about the younger boy.

Michael knows he wants Luke, and he’s ready to stop being scared, and he’s ready to stop running.

*** 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed! also there's gonna be lots of clem next chapter and we're meeting calum soon!! i'm so excited!! i didn't want to write him so late but his role only fits here :(  
> also, apology in advance: the next update might be a little later than usual because this next week i'm travelling and working a ton! so i'm sorry if it's late!  
> thank you for reading!! if you want updates on progress or just wanna talk hit me up on tumblr t  
> at [candyflossclifford](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com) !!  
> thank you again!!


	8. Cainophobia - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!  
> a bit of a fluffy chapter!  
> hope you enjoy! all mistakes are mine x

Michael really believed himself when he’d decided he’d stop running, except he’s been actively trying to avoid Luke instead of deal with his problem face on.

Michael’s avoidance of Luke really was a hassle, too. He didn’t want to avoid the younger boy - well, forever - but he definitely wasn’t ready to face Luke yet. Though Ashton assured Michael that Luke would never hate him, Michael’s self-esteem really doesn’t believe it for a second.

On their first day back to class after the weekend, Michael got there early so he could steal someone else’s seat in the back. He’d watched Luke walk in and frown at Michael’s absence, but luckily the blonde didn’t look elsewhere to find Michael. So Michael’s seat remained empty for three days.

Professor Novak had assigned a poetry project, them having to create a poem representing their feelings, and thank God that it’s due after the weekend once again because normally Michael is good at putting his feelings into words, but right now he doesn’t think he’d be able to.

It’s Thursday morning now, four days since Michael’s seen Luke and the guilt in his gut is building each day he doesn’t talk to the boy. Luke has texted Michael several times during this, and it was always along the lines of “I hope you’re okay,” or “I’m ready when you’re ready.” Michael’s chest always tightens when he reads the messages and doesn’t reply.

Michael lays in his bed, his body buried under the covers. He doesn’t have the energy or effort to go to class today, and he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything if he did. His thoughts are overtaken by Luke. His blonde hair and beautiful eyes, and his soft lips that Michael just wants his to touch once more. 

Michael truly misses Luke, the boy’s positive energy always lifting Michael up. And Luke reciprocating any feelings isn’t necessarily bad, it just scares Michael. But Michael’s not the only one involved. Luke doesn’t deserve Michael’s behaviour, and Michael hates thinking about Luke being hurt.

Michael gets out of bed, pulls on his cleanest jeans and black hoodie that make his collarbones look quite prominent, and makes his way up to Luke’s room.

***

Michael knocks on the door, and it opens straight away to a slightly frazzled looking Luke, who immediately gains composure and a bright smile on his face when he notices it’s Michael.

“Michael! Hey,” Luke says, and Michael wants to kick himself in the face because Luke is being way too nice to him and he doesn’t deserve it.

“Hey,” Michael coughs, and he shifts his feet around for a second before continuing. “Um, can we talk?”

Luke was about to open his mouth, but then his eyes shift to the clock behind Michael and he raises an eyebrow. “Class starts in ten minutes,” Luke says, and Michael runs his hand through his hair.

“I was, uh, thinking we could maybe, skip? And talk, unless you don’t want to miss class and uh, yeah.” Michael stutters out, and Luke’s kind smile makes Michael’s heart do flips.

“Only this once,” Luke agrees, and Michael lets out a sigh of relief. “Where do you want to go?” Luke questions, and Michael grins as he knows the perfect place.

“Follow me,” Michael starts, and makes the decision to smile and offer his hand out for Luke to take.

Luke smiles, and takes Michael’s offered hand.

***

Michael leads to Luke to one his favourite places on campus. Their university is close to the ocean, but it’s not very visible from their campus. By cutting through a small wooded area and climbing over several rocks one day when Michael just needed some time to think, he’d found a cliff that overlooked the ocean, the only sound that could be heard were the waves slapping against the hard rock.

Once they enter the clearing that looks over the ocean, Michael turns to Luke, and Michael’s heart beats faster at the look of wonder in the younger boy's eyes. The blue of the ocean seems to be reflected in Luke’s irides, causing them to become even more beautiful than they already are. The sense of awe and amazement that Michael could see in Luke’s eyes as made the older boy melt.

“Woah,” Luke breathes as Michael walks over to the edge and swings his feet over. “How did you find this place?” Luke asks as he settles beside Michael.

Michael looks over to Luke, and he can’t help but notice the blonde’s relaxed shoulders and calm expression. Michael had noticed through Luke’s positive attitude that the boy always seemed slightly tense, always in a hurry to finish whatever he was doing. Michael thinks Luke deserves a sense of calm, and he’s glad he could show Luke a place where he could find that.

“I needed a place to get away for a bit one day, and I just came across this by wandering,” Michael explains and Luke hums in response.

“It’s beautiful,” Luke whispers.

_ So are you _ , Michael thinks, as he stares at Luke, still absorbing beautiful sights in front of them. It’s still the morning, so the sun is shining brightly over the ocean and is being reflected through the waves. The waves are quite calm as there is only a slight breeze in the air right now, and Michael can’t help but think the weather is perfect for this moment.

Michael takes a deep breath and turns towards Luke, lifting his feet off the cliff and going cross-legged. Luke notices, and follows Michael.

The look in Luke’s eyes is so sincere, so genuine and heartwarming, Michael hates himself for ever avoiding Luke. He needs to do this, and he needs to do this now.

“I’m so fucking sorry for running,” Michael starts, and Michael doesn’t realise he’s shaking until Luke takes Michael’s hand and gives it a soft squeeze.

“I,” Michael can barely get the words out, but he knows he needs to. Luke deserves it, and the way Luke is looking at Michael right now shows he cares, shows that the blonde genuinely wants to know what Michael has to say. 

“I do, like you. Romantically,” Michael breathes out, and he looks down at his admission. Michael can’t help but be scared. 

Luke tilts Michael’s head up, so that their eyes are staring directly into each other. “I like you too,” Luke whispers, his ever present smile on his face that makes Michael’s stomach do flips.

Michael takes another deep breath, and maintains eye contact with Luke. Michael is so scared to open up even just a little bit - but maybe by him opening up, for Luke, it will get easier.

“I freaked out, when we kissed,” Michael starts. “I don’t like to get close to people, for a stupid reason, I guess. But, just, I knew I liked you, and I was fine with that. But I didn’t think you’d ever like me back, and, when we kissed, it - it made everything real. And it just all came down at once, and I freaked. I’m so fucking sorry, for running, for not replying to your messages, for everything. You don’t deserve that, Luke.”

Luke’s gaze is so intense,and the amount of emotion Michael can see swirling in Luke’s blue eyes makes Michael’s breath catch in his throat, but Luke’s smile is reassuring and gentle, and Michael doesn’t want to overthink anything.

“It’s okay,” Luke answers, but Michael stops him.

“No, it isn’t.” Michael shakes his head, and Luke looks at him curiously. “I hate when people apologize and say it’s okay, when it’s not. It’s just a thing,” Michael mumbles.

Luke chuckles. “Understandable. I accept your apology. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened that made you scared to get close to anyone?”

Michael bites his lip, and Luke wraps an arm around the older boy’s shoulders. Michael leans his head on Luke’s shoulder, and Luke's arms tighten. Michael feels himself smile and become warm at Luke’s embrace, his soft fingers resting on Michael’s pale skin.

“I don’t want to get too into it,” Michael says. “But, someone I trusted in high school, really, hurt me, I guess, and I just closed off from there.”

Luke runs a hand through Michael’s faded lilac hair. “Well, whoever that person was is a dick,” Michael laughs, and Luke smiles. “I’m glad you let me in.” Luke says, voice soft, and Michael brings his eyes to Luke’s.

Their lips are so close, and Luke’s lips look so soft and wet, and Michael makes the decision to move his lips to Luke’s, to show Luke that Michael wants something to come out of whatever they have, to show him that he’s ready to try. Their lips meet, Luke biting Michael’s lip as Michael kisses back, the older boy moving his arms to Luke’s hips, and Luke’s hands are running through Michael’s hair. The kiss is gentle and soft and needy at the same time, and Michael hates himself for running even more.

Michael pulls back, and takes Luke’s hand in his. “Was that okay?” Michael asks, and Luke wraps his arms around Michael.

“I loved every second of it,” Luke answers, and Michael can feel Luke’s heart beating fast over his own.

Michael pulls away and bits his lip, their knees still touching. Michael has one thought swirling through his mind that he can’t get out, so he decides to bring it up.

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

Michael takes one of Luke’s hands again, and decides to start rubbing circles. When Michael’s uncomfortable or upset, he either needs to be left alone or to touch someone to know that they’re there, and in this case, Michael needs to know Luke is here with him.

“Did I hurt you? By running away? Like, really bad?” Michael’s voice is small. Michael doesn’t want to think he hurt Luke at all, but he needs to know.

Luke pushes his glasses further up his nose. “A little bit, but not really for a reason you’d think.”

Michael raises his eyes and thinks he sees sadness present in Luke's, and Michael gives the blonde’s hands a squeeze.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Michael says, but Luke nods.

“Just, basically, I’m someone who wants to go after what I want, instead of waiting for it to come to me. My parents…..weren’t the best. So now, that I’m partially independent, I guess, I try to make the first move, do everything myself, because the only way to get it is to go for it. And I went for it with you, and you ran away, it just reminded me of when I kind of, like, didn’t go for it and never got it, y’know? It’s weird - I’m sorry,” Luke stops, and Michael hates how sad and small Luke’s voice sounds, he hates that anyone would ever hurt Luke - himself included - and wraps the younger boy in a hug.

“Thank you for telling me,” Michael whispers, and Luke tightens his grip.

“I trust you,” Luke says, and there Luke is again, all positivity and bright smiles that make Michael’s heart flip.

Michael runs a hand through his hair and thinks for only a second before he replies. “I trust you too,” and the smile that graces Luke’s face is definitely worth more than Michael being scared, worth more than anything Michael’s ever done.

They turn back towards the sunset, Michael’s arm wrapped around Luke’s broad shoulders this time.

“Thank you for, just, explaining and apologizing. Not many people do that these days,” Luke explains, and Michael wants to punch whoever hurt Luke and didn’t have the guts to apologize for it.

“I’m scared, I still am. You deserve to know.” Michael starts, and turns towards Luke. “But I want to start trying to make myself happy. Try and stop running. Ashton has been convincing me to go for it lately, and I want to try for you too. My fears have been holding me back, and the only way to get over them is to go for things,” Michael explains.

Luke takes both of Michael’s hands and rubs circles on the back. “That’s okay, I know it takes time.”

Michael laughs. “You’re the fucking best.”

Luke blushes and looks down, and Michael’s heart swells.

Michael takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, willing all his fears, all his past memories into the back of his mind to do what he’s about to do. He wants to be done running - for good. He may still be scared, but Michael knows the only way to get past that is to go for it. So, fuck it.

“Luke, will you go on a date with me?” Michael asks, and he opens his eyes to see Luke grinning at him, and the younger boy closes the distance between them and brings a chaste kiss to Michael’s lips, and Michael barely has time to kiss back.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, and keeping up with my very inconsistent updates! it means a lot to me you guys enjoy it!  
> if you wanna talk to me or see updates follow me on tumblr, [candyflossclifford](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)!


	9. Thalassophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! here u are!! enjoy  
> all mistakes are mine x

_**thalassophilia - love of the sea or ocean** _

It was four days after Michael had apologized to Luke, and only two hours before their date. Throughout the days that Michael and Luke had made up, they’ve been hanging out more after class, whether at their spot by the ocean side or in Michael’s room. Michael was truly happy with whatever he had going on with Luke, and part of Michael is still scared, another part of him truly believes he’s ready to start putting himself out there.

He’s not sure whether it was because of Luke himself, Ashton’s constant reassurance and advice that Michael needs to start putting himself out there, or Michael was just fed up with himself for pushing everyone away. Whatever it was, he doesn’t care, because he’s finally starting to open up. There's another part of Michael that still needs closure, but for now the logical part of Michael’s brain is telling him to do whatever makes him happy and not dwell on the past.

Michael’s looking through his drawers for something suitable to wear, and Michael’s wardrobe is pretty much only full of skinny jeans and band t-shirts, so he’s thankful for that one dress shirt his mom made him buy for when he graduated high school. 

Michael thinks the dress shirt and skinny jeans will be fancy enough, because Luke’s pretty easy going and it’s just a casual date.

Michael didn’t see himself going on a date at all through uni, and now here he is, getting ready to go out on a date with the kindest boy Michael’s ever met.

It’s a little over an hour when Michael is fully dressed and is now focusing on styling his hair in the bathroom when he receives a text from Luke.

**From: Luke :)**

_ Hey! Can’t wait to see where you’re taking me :)! _

Michael’s eyes widen as he reads the text, and he cannot believe he forgot. The one most important thing to a date - besides the other person - is the place where you’re taking them.

And Michael didn’t have a place to take Luke. Michael had completely forgot to even plan to take him somewhere, he was just thinking about going out and spending time with Luke.

God, he was really unprepared for dating, wasn’t he?

Swearing, Michael picked up his phone and simply send a winking face back to Luke, before dialing Ashton’s number.

“Hey, Mikey! Ready for your big date?” Ashton says, way too loud to be spoken directly into Michael’s ear.

“Yeah, except I already fucked up and the date hasn’t started,” Michael starts, and he can hear Ashton laugh on the other line. “Shut up. I totally forgot to plan a place to go for this date. What the hell do I do?”

The laughing on the other line continues, and Michael wants to punch his best friend. “Ashton, seriously. I’m freaking out,” he pleads, and the other boys laughs seize.

“Dude, it’s okay. That’s like, the least that you can do wrong,” Ashton replies, and Michael’s bouncing on his feet. “Most dates go unprepared anyways. Just do something you both like to do - somewhere special to you guys, I guess. But no movies!” Ashton quickly added at the end of his tangent, and Michael’s a little relieved it’s not that big of a deal, but he still has no fucking clue what to do.

“Well - I wasn’t thinking that, but why?” Michael questions, aware he’s getting off topic.

“Because you don’t talk to each other! Go to dinner, or something,” Ashton suggests.

Michael groans. “That’s so cliché! You’re no help.”

“You’ll think of something, do one of the things you’ve written about in your book!” Ashton exclaims, and Michael’s eyebrows furrow.

“Wait - I never told you about those!”

Ashton giggles on the other line. “You were completely black out drunk when you did.”

“Fuck me,” Michael sighs and flops down on his bed, face first.

“That’s Luke's job,” Ashton retorts, and Michael just says a loud “fuck you” to Ashton before hanging up on him.

Ashton did have a point though, so Michael grabs his journal and looks through. Michael writes about potential love interests and just anything in general that he would find fun, romantic, or whatever could potentially flow into a story, so he’s sure he has something in here.

Skimming through his journal, Michael never exactly thought of how sad his stories ended or how there was generally a sad tone to them. He knew he wasn’t the happiest person, but re-reading his stories and lyrics when he’s happy really put it into perspective.

Michael reaches a story that he’d written a little before his second year had started and smiled, because this idea was perfect. It was memorable, and he hoped Luke would be up for it.

Michael grabs his wallet and dorm key, glances at the clock and it’s almost 8 o’clock, and he’s on his way to meet Luke.

***

They meet on the sidewalk outside of the campus café, despite Michael’s constant asking to pick Luke up right at his door to try and be at least a bit chivalrous. But apparently Luke’s roommate was having a ‘friend’ over - “Fuck buddy” as Luke liked to call them, and he didn’t want Michael to walk in on anything as Luke did, so the café was a good alternative.

Michael’s heart was beating the fastest it ever has and he’s pretty sure that’s not normal, but he knows it’s nerves. Michael had never exactly been on a proper date - he’s had one-night stands with no emotional connection whatsoever, and that’s the farthest he’s gone.

Michael sees Luke as soon as he steps out onto the center, and Luke looks amazing. He’s wearing skinny jeans similar to Michael’s, and he’s wearing a simply button up and a black jacket that Michael thinks is leather but isn’t one hundred percent positive. 

Luke is staring off into space when Michael reaches him, so Michael stalks up behind the taller boy and brings his hands over Luke’s eyes.

Luke startles slightly, and Michael laughs before bringing his hands down and wrapping Luke in a hug from behind. “Guess who?” Michael giggles, and Luke snorts while trying to turn around in Michael’s embrace.

“You need to stop scaring me,” Luke says, triumphant as he had successfully turned around and his arms are now wrapped around Michael.

Michael smiles up towards Luke. “No, it’s fun.”

Luke rolls his eyes and they let go of each other, Michael immediately gesturing a hand out for Luke to take. Luke blushes and takes Michael’s hand.

“You seem happy today,” Luke starts as Michael begins to walk, almost pulling Luke behind him. For someone taller than him, Luke sure walks a little bit slower than Michael.

“I am, it’s a strange mood to me. But I’m with you and am letting myself be with you, so why not be happy?” Michael replies, and he looks up to find Luke’s eyes shining. Michael will never not be fascinated by Luke’s eyes. There’s something so different about the blue of Luke’s irides - they’re always shining with hope, or happiness or genuine kindness that is lacking from most other people. The sky and the ocean always reflect off of Luke’s eyes, causing them to sparkle the brightest blue Michael’s ever seen. Michael could stare into Luke’s eyes for hours on end and drown in them, so similar to the ocean that the waves of emotion constantly in Luke’s eyes could pull him under.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” Luke states, moving his body closer to Michael. 

Michael’s breath catches at the close proximity, and he wants Luke to be even closer, but not yet. It’s only their first date.

“C’mon, it’s this way,” Michael directs instead, and watches Luke’s curious gaze.

“Where are we going?” Luke asks, and Michael smirks.

“It’s a surprise,” Michael sing-songs, and he can feel Luke’s eyeroll beside him.

“Of course it is,” Luke laughs, and the grin on Luke’s face makes Michael’s insides melt.

It’s a little bit of a walk to their destination, but the silence was filled with small touches, silent glances and simply conversation about their usual favourite topics such as music, school and general chit-chat, along with the usual bickering and teasing that came hand-in-hand with their relationship.

They passed their ocean lookout on the way to the destination, both of them stopping and kissing each other for a minute while the sky turned from blue to an array of pinks and oranges, the ocean waves getting louder as they moved.

They’re behind a large gathering of trees when Michael stops and turns towards Luke. Luke tilts his head in question, and Michael smiles.

“So, uh, I found this place a while ago, just before I started this year. Ashton and I went exploring together, and it was fun, but it’s somewhere where I’d want to show someone close to me, and it’s different, and I hope you’ll like it,” Michael rambles, feeling nervous for the first time on this day.

Luke just smiles at him, his ever radiant smile present on his face and eyes gleaming. Michael can tell Luke is almost bouncing with excitement, so Michael grabs Luke’s hand and they move through the clearing.

Once the trees are no longer obstructing their view and the scenery is clear, Michael feels Luke stop. The blonde’s eyes are wide as they glance around the view in front of them, and Michael can only feel fondness towards the younger boy as he watches Luke take it all in.

In front of them is a beach, empty at this time of night. The waves aren’t too harsh at the moment, coming in and out of shore as they please. The purples and pinks and oranges of dusk are being reflected on the rolling waves, dark blue in the settling sun. 

Along the shoreline, and slightly visible through the water, are turtles. There’s maybe five or six, and they’re all just resting, lazing around and doing whatever they do. They’re beautiful, and Michael knows that Luke loves animals and wildlife, so the happiness in Luke’s eyes that Michael can see makes the older boy’s heart flip.

“Are those turtles?” Luke finally breathes out, and Michael just has to laugh and the awestruck expression on Luke’s face that he’s had for at least two minutes.

“Yep. This beach is always full of them, and no one is ever here. They’re pretty relaxed fellas,” Michael says, and as Michael’s about to turn away from Luke and stare out at the view, he suddenly has a face full of fluffy, blonde hair.

“This is beautiful!” Luke mumbles into Michael’s chest, the younger boy having to lean down slightly to fit underneath Michael’s chin. Michael brings his arms around Luke’s back, and kisses the top of his head.

Luke lifts himself from under Michael’s chin and his eyes are gleaming. “No one’s really put this much thought into a date. All my dates have been movies,” Luke chuckles, and Michael laughs back.

“Ironically, I only thought about coming here about an hour before the date?” Michael smiles sheepishly and Luke just laughs before grabbing Michael’s hand and wandering further down onto the beach, close enough to the turtles to see them up-close, but not too close as to bother them.

“Still, the fact that you put more thought into a date within an hour then other people? You’re something else,” Luke says, and Michael’s heart flips once again. Luke says so many kind things to Michael, so much he doesn’t deserve and it makes him want to cry.

Luke sits on the beach and Michael follows, and Michael smiles when Luke leans down and rests his head on Michael’s chest. Michael brings a hand up and starts to run his hand through Luke’s hair, and the younger boy hums in contentment. 

“I’m glad you like it,” Michael whispers, the air of the night too calm for anything louder.

“I love it,” Luke whispers back, and Michael couldn’t be happier than in that moment.

For so long, Michael was hiding from everyone. He would wander out to spots like this alone - sans the time he found this particular place with Ashton - and dream of sharing it with someone, write about falling in love at a place like this, but Michael’s always been scared. Scared of rejection, of hurt, of hurting others, of letting everyone in. But as he lays here with Luke, Michael doesn’t feel scared. He feels calm. He feels content. He feels like he could share anything with the blonde boy by his side, all his feelings and stories and whatever and Luke wouldn’t judge him.

As Michael looks down at Luke, he knows he’s slowly falling in love with the boy. Michael’s not sure if he’s in love with him yet - but Michael knows he will be. Michael thinks maybe later this thought will scare him, make him run away, but as he’s carding his hand through Luke’s hair and listening to the younger boy laugh at one of the turtles flipping upside down in the waves, Michael knows he won’t be. Michael knows he’s ready for something more.

They’ve been lying with each other and jokingly naming the turtles and claiming them as their pets for when they come back to the beach to watch them again - Luke named his turtle Gavin, and Michael named his Gerard (which caused a “Really, Michael?” to come out of Luke’s mouth but Michael just deadpanned and said “Gavin?” and Luke shut up.) when a comfortable silence comes between them.

The sun is completely set now, stars visible above the ocean and the turtles all retreating into their shells to rest. In the quiet air, Michael remembers something Luke had said, and thinks they’ve gotten close enough to ask.

“Hey, Luke?” Michael asks, and the blonde raises his head off Michael’s chest, and instead takes to sitting in a cross-legged position and meets Michael’s eyes.

“Yeah?”

Michael shifts slightly and takes Luke’s hand. “So, the other day at our cliff-hangout, you said me running reminded you of when you “didn’t go for it,” or something like that? You don’t have to answer,” Michael rushes out when he notices Luke biting his lip and the younger boy’s grip got slightly tighter on Michael’s hand. “But, what did you mean?”

Luke shifts slightly, and Michael sees his eyes shifting with indecisiveness before coming to a conclusion. “No, it’s okay,” Luke mumbles out, and Michael raises an arm and wraps it around Luke’s back. Luke shifts positions so his head is resting on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael is rubbing circles onto Luke’s back.

“When I was younger, I guess, I wasn’t really allowed to do anything I wanted,” Luke starts, and there’s so much sadness in Luke’s voice that Michael wants to wrap him in a blanket and protect him from everything sad in the world. “Like, it would be my parents kind of dictating what I wanted. I know they wanted what’s best for me, but, they always decided for me. And it made me sad, because I always wanted to do things, even if I asked they wouldn’t let me. So, I just started going for them, once I turned 18, because they can’t really stop me, y’know? I joined clubs my last year of high school, which they normally were against, because my subjects should’ve been my main priority, y’know? And they didn’t have to know. I applied for a job, and got it - I quit when I started here, though, it was too are away. Basically, they were holding me back, and now that they’re not, I’m always going to go for it. Even if it ends up shitty, at least I went for it, right?” Luke finishes, and Michael can’t place the emotions he’s feeling.

What Luke just opened up to him is so heavy. For so long, Luke had been deprived of doing things because of his parents, and here Michael was, depriving himself of things. Michael never hated himself more.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Luke,” is all Michael can say and holds the blonde tighter.

“Don’t apologize, they wanted what’s best I guess,” Luke mumbled.

Michael turns towards Luke. “For what it’s worth,” Michael starts, biting his lip. “I’ll try and start going for it. For you,” Michael whispers, and moves forward and captures Luke’s lips.

Luke’s hand moves up to Michael’s face and around to the back of Michael’s neck and he pulls Michael closure, the kiss needy and hungry and emotional all at once. Michael’s hands wander down Luke’s back to his waist and Michael squeezes, emitting a groan from Luke. There are only short pauses for air before they bring their lips back together, and Luke is almost biting Michael’s lip and Michael groans because it feels so good. Luke’s hands move down to Michael’s hips so they’re mimicking positions, and Michael feels his shirt ride up and Luke’s hands move onto his pale skin, and Michael shivers at his touch.

Luke pulls away and rests his forehead on Michael’s, both boys breathing heavily from the intense heat of their makeout session.

“That was a good way to start going for it,” Luke hums, and Michael laughs before pecking Luke’s forehead.

Michael stands up and gestures a hand out for Luke to take, and the blond eagerly takes it.

As they start heading out, Luke quickly turns and whispers towards the ocean. “Goodnight, Gavin. Goodnight, Gerard! Sleep well!”

Michael stares at Luke, and Luke just grins. “Really? You’re telling the turtles to rest well?”

Luke tilts his head. “Yes. They deserve a good night's rest.”

Michael shakes his head and laughs. “You’re a dork,”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

They keep hold of each other’s hands through the dense trees, as it’s too dark to see clearly and both boys have their phone screens lit to try and guide their path. When they see the campus lights come into view and step out of the bushes, Michael feels a sadness wash over him. He doesn’t want this night to end, yet. 

“Hey, Luke?” Michael asks.

“Yeah?”

“Wanna come back to my room?” 

Luke’s eyes widen and he let’s go of Michael’s hand to run both hands through his blonde locks. “Um. I mean - I know we have this whole “Going for it-thing, now. But I think it’s too fast?” Luke rambles out, and Michael is confused before realisation dawns on Michael and he feels himself heat up.

“Oh my god no!” Michael exclaims, panic and embarrassment washing over him. “No! I meant to just hang out! Oh my god,” Michael brings his hands to his face and tries to hide, and all he can hear is Luke laughing at him.

“Oh, my god.” Luke repeats, “I-Oh god. I’m sorry,” Luke says, and Michael brings his head out of his hands to see the mortified expression on Luke’s face.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page, about, y’know-yeah,” Michael stutters out, and Luke grins.

“On that note, yeah, I’d like that.”

***

“Sorry, it’s a little messy,” Michael apologizes as he moves textbooks away from the middle of his floor.

“It’s all right, it’s more you that way,” Luke says as he walks over to Michael’s bed and flops down on it.

Michael rolls his eyes. “Make yourself comfortable, why don’t you,” Michael mumbles, before plonking himself down beside Luke and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“My pleasure,” Luke retorts, and Luke returns the cheek kiss, causing Michael to blush.

Michael leans back on his bed and Luke follows suit, but Michael notices Luke’s eyes on his guitar.

“You like guitar?” Michael asks, breaking Luke out of his trance.

“Yeah,” Luke replies, and there’s a shortness to his tone that Michael wants to question, but lets it slide.

Michael thinks for a minute before making his decision.  _ Go for it. _

“Do you want me to play you a song?” Michael asks, and Luke’s eyes light up.

“I would love that!” Luke exclaims, and just like that, the happiness is back in Luke’s voice and eyes, the way Michael’s thinks Luke’s voice should always sound. Happy.

Michael gets up and grabs his guitar, shaking slightly. He’s never shared his own songs with anyone - not even Ashton - but Michael thinks the night is going so well, and his overwhelmed with feelings and adoration for Luke, Michael knows the younger boy deserves it.

“Uh, do you mind if I play one of my songs?” Michael asks, and Luke’s eyes get even brighter.

“Not at all,” Luke replies, and Michael grabs his song book and takes a deep breath.

Michael skims through his book to find a song that’s not overly heavy with emotion - but most of his songs are laced with emotion, so it’s a bit hard. Michael finally settles on a song he wrote to go with one his short stories he wrote, and places his fingers on the proper frets before speaking.

“I wrote this a while ago,” Michael starts, nervousness in his tone. Luke bumps his shoulder reassuringly, and his smile is so kind that Michael wants to melt. “I called it ‘Vapor,”

Michael starts strumming, and he watches as Luke’s eyes follow his fingers along the guitar as he plays. When Michael sings the first line, he almost misses Luke’s eyes move from his guitar to his face, but he doesn’t, and there’s so much adoration in Luke’s eyes as Michael sings that Michael can’t fathom it.

When Michael gets to the chorus of the song, he’s enraptured in his playing and the lyrics, barely remembering that Luke’s in the room. Music is the one thing that can always make Michael feel okay, and feel safe - and he’s sharing it with someone new, but someone already incredibly important in someone’s life.  Michael’s focus is completely on his guitar, on his song, and capturing the emotion through his voice that when he finishes, he strums for a bit even after the lyrics he’d written are over, and then he stops, and looks up at Luke.

Luke’s eyes are shining with an emotion that Michael can’t place, and then Luke’s mouth is on Michael’s and Michael is on his back on the floor of his dorm, Luke’s hands on both sides of his face. Michael kisses back then pulls away, and they both return to sitting positions.

“Um,  I take it you liked it?” Michael asks, and Luke nods.

“That was beautiful. Your voice is beautiful - your playing - holy shit, Michael. You’re amazing,” Luke rambles out, and Luke is once again in Michael’s space with the younger boy's arms wrapped around Michael. Michael almost wants to cry because he’s heard he’s good before, but hearing it from Luke brings out so many emotions in Michael’s chest that he doesn’t know which is which.

“Thank you,” Michael whispers into Luke’s hair, and they part.

Luke stares into Michael’s eyes, and Michael looks back, gently playing with Luke’s hands and rubbing circles on his palms.

“Why did you write it?” Luke asks, and Michael sees concern in the younger boys eyes.

“Oh,” Michael replies, and he comes up blank because he doesn’t really have an answer. He wrote it when Ashton was seeing someone and Michael was kind of trailing along as a third-wheel, and he was at a low point where even if it someone didn’t love him back, he would take even someone pretending just for his sake of feeling like he meant something.

“I don’t really know,” Michael decides to start. But that’s not enough for Luke, so he adds on to it. “I was lonely, I guess and it just. Became that.” 

Michael looks down, but then his chin is being tilted up by Luke. 

Luke’s eyes always have an emotion in them, Michael’s noticed, whether happy, sad, passionate, but right now they emotion is so strong, and Michael can feel Luke’s eyes staring into his soul, scanning and searching for something that Michael doesn’t know.

“You deserve someone who loves you, you know that right? Someone who falls in love with you for you, okay?” Luke says, tone laced with emotion and concern. Michael feels tears come to his eyes because he doesn’t deserve Luke, not in the slightest bit.

Michael brings his mouth to Luke’s once again, immediately taking Luke’s lip into his mouth and biting, Luke reciprocating within seconds. Their mouths moved together needy but soft, a kiss so tender and full of love that causes Michael’s breath to catch.

They break apart and stare into each other’s eyes once again, both smiling and both happy. Luke glances behind Michael and his eyes widen, and Michael turns to see what Luke’s looking at and he notices that it’s his clock, which reads one a.m.

“Shit, I should get back,” Luke laughs, and Michael nods.

“Yeah, here, I’ll walk you,” Michael offers, taking Luke’s hand.

Luke shakes his head. “Dude, I live three floors up. I’m not going outside.”

Michael doesn’t let go. “No. I’m walking you.”

Luke rolls his eyes and follows Michael out the door to the stairs, and they’re at Luke’s dorm within two minutes.

They stand outside of Luke’s dorm for a second before Luke speaks up. 

“Thank you for tonight. It was the best date I’ve ever been on,” Luke says, and Michael leans in to press a quick peck to his lips.

“Me, too,” Michael replies, and Luke embraces Michael in a hug, which Michael returns, pulling Luke as close as he can.

“I’d love to do it again,” Luke states, and Michael can’t help but agree. Michael would love to go on dates with Luke every night - not even dates, Michael just wants to hang out with Luke and touch him and kiss him every minute. A thought crosses Michael’s mind, and he tells himself to go for it.

“I’d love to do it everyday, hangout like this,” Michael says, and Luke pulls back, expression soft and his eyes gleaming.

“Are you asking…?” Luke trails off, voice shy.

“Do you wanna like, date? Try the whole boyfriend thing? Unless it’s too fast - but I’ve never really had more time with you and I haven’t let myself do anything so I’m saying fuck it and we’ll go for it-” Michael starts rambling, slightly panicked at himself for moving so fast, because he’s just starting to let Luke in and now he wants to date and oh, god is Michael ready for this - 

Michael’s train of panicked thought is shut up when Luke’s mouth collides with his in a soft kiss once again. 

Luke pulls away and takes Michael’s hand. “Yes, Michael. That would be good. And we can go however fast or slow you want,” the blonde adds, and god, Michael just wants to take him right there,

As Michael reaches in for another kiss, there’s a gust of air as the door swings open.

“Fuck’s sake, Luke, hurry up your damn date and get inside, we have class tomorrow,” a tired voice comes from the direction of Luke’s room, and Michael freezes in his spot.

Michael would know that voice anywhere - and he never thought he’d hear it again.

Michael turns towards Luke’s door, and his eyes widen. The boy's eyes widen in return, and Michael’s eyes move up and down. Soft, black hair, brown skin with tattoos up and down his arms, and brown eyes that Michael once thought were the kindest he’d seen.

Michael swallows as the other boys looks him up and down, and he can see the shock on this other boys face. Michael’s frozen in his spot, because he never thought he’d see this face again - he thought he was done with high school, he thought he’d never have to think about it again. Michael feels himself squeeze Luke’s hand, and he barely registers Luke’s confusion.

“Michael?” the brown boy finally says, shock being replaced with a soft expression that Michael doesn’t know how to make out. 

Michael wants to reply, but he doesn’t know how. His voice is stuck in his throat, unsure what to do. This night was perfect, he was with Luke, forgetting all about the past, starting to move forward, but he forgot how easily it was to be pushed back until now.

Michael finally finds his voice, and expresses the only thought he can muster at this point.

“Never thought I’d see you again, Calum.” Michael lets out, and Michael wants to run, but instead he stands his ground, gripping Luke’s so tight he’s sure Luke can’t feel it any more.

Michael isn’t running. Not this time.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> if you want updates on when i'm posting, how writing is going or whatever, follow my tumblr [here!](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com) (@candyflossclifford).


	10. Lygophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies for the lack of updating, i haven't been too motivated but i'm bad!  
> enjoy the chapter!  
> all mistakes are mine

**_lygophilia - love of darkness_ **

There’s a small silence after Michael speaks, and he can’t get over the fact that he’s here. Calum, of all people. Michael hates that he’s still hurt by what happened, because he guesses it wasn’t that bad, but he lost his only and best friend out of it, and he’d closed himself off. Yeah, that was his fault, but Michael wonders if what happened never did, maybe he’d be different.

“Uh, you, too,” Calum breaks the silence, bringing an arm behind his head and awkwardly scratching his hair. He’s nervous, Michael knows. Calum’s always had a habit of playing with his hair when he’s nervous.

Michael takes a minute to look at Calum. The Maori boy looks the same but different. He has several tattoos on his arms and a couple on his wrist, and his black hair has a faded blonde streak in the front. He’d gained muscle since Michael last saw him, what, three years ago? 

Michael thinks Calum’s aged quite nicely, and would grudgingly admit that the boy was quite attractive. But, Michael would never date Calum. Especially when he has someone like Luke.

Who happens to be standing right next to him during this awkward encounter. Michael wishes Luke didn’t have to witness whatever the hell is happening right now.

Michael looks to Luke, and his blue eyes are glancing between the two boys. Michael knows that there’s a tight tension in the air, and he doesn’t doubt that Luke feels it too. The blonde looks to Michael and raises an eyebrow, and Michael just glances down. He hates this tension, hates the fact that Calum’s here, of all places, hates the fact that his amazing night was kind of ruined. Michael sighs and turns to Luke.

“I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow, Luke,” Michael mumbles, and he pulls Luke in for a quick hug. Luke places his arms around Michael, hugging tight, and Michael closes his eyes for a minute, pretending it’s just them. 

It works until Michael pulls away and he glances at Calum again, and he sees Calum go to speak but he doesn’t want to listen, and instead walks away.

Does this count as running?  Michael doesn’t know. He’d talked to Calum, albeit aggressively and had only really muttered a sentence, but he doesn’t want to think about it right now.

Michael doesn’t even want to go back to his dorm, because he knows he won’t be able to sleep, so instead he ventures to the one place that can somewhat quiet his mind.

***

Luke walks into his dorm, and sits on his bed. He glances at his Calum, who he really didn’t get to know despite rooming with him. Calum was either out all the time, or kicking him out to fuck his fuck buddy, that Luke recalls is Michael’s best friend.

Luke’s eyes widen as he realises that whatever is going on will definitely become some sort of fucked up situation, but right now he’s focused on the fact of how Michael practically froze when he saw Calum, and the cold tone the older boy's voice took on when addressing him. 

Luke decides to break the awkward silence, and it’s even more awkward because he really hasn’t spoken to Calum at all. “Uh, so, you and Michael know each other?”

Calum turns from his position and looks at Luke in surprise, like Calum didn’t expect Luke to speak. He then walks over to his bed opposite Luke’s, and bites his lip.

“Uh, yeah.” is all Calum says, and Luke raises an eyebrow and gestures for Calum to elaborate. Luke doesn’t care that it’s one in the morning, he hates the expression that replaced Michael’s soft smile the minute that Calum came into the picture, and he wants details, now. Luke likes being persistent.

Calum coughs awkwardly, and glances at the clock. “Uh, it’s like, one in the morning - also, we don’t really talk, so I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

Luke scoffs. “Yeah, it is. Because it involves Michael, and he’s my boyfriend, and there’s obviously something between you two, so spill. I don’t care that we’ve spoken only a handful of times.”

Calum’s eyes widen in surprise at Luke’s blunt statement, and the blonde sees what he thinks is annoyance flash across Calum’s brown eyes. 

Luke waits patiently while Calum seems to be finding the right words to say. Luke decides that after this he’s going to go and find Michael, because something tells him the lavender haired boy isn’t in his bedroom. 

Calum sighs, and Luke brings his attention back to his roommate. “We, uh, were best friends, in high school,” Calum starts, and Luke nods to show he’s listening. “But, uhm. I fucked up, and here we are,” Calum finishes, and the brown boy looks upset and guilty, and Luke kind of feels sympathy for him, but the words “I fucked up,” are what Luke’s brain is stuck on.

“How did you fuck up?” Luke asks.

Calum shakes his head. “Ask Michael. But basically I was kind of a dick,” Calum explains, and instead of saying anything else, he lays on his bed and turns his back away from Luke. “Goodnight.”

Luke doesn’t know what to say. Luke recalls Michael saying that he trusted someone and they really hurt him, and Luke wonders if it’s Calum.

Luke’s pretty sure Calum isn’t sleeping, so he doesn’t bother to try and be quiet while making his way to Michael’s room.

As he expected, no response, and Luke has to think a minute so he can figure out where Michael would be. He recalls Michael saying through text once that he likes to go to the library to calm his head, and Luke’s positive that’s where the older boy would be.

Luke walks over to the library, keeping an extra eye out because it’s almost two in the morning. The front door to the library is locked, so Luke really wants to know how Michael got in there.

He thinks there’s an alarm, so Luke’s not going to try and open the door, but something in the corner of his eye grabs his attention. The window to the library is slightly ajar, and Luke smirks, knowing that’s definitely how Michael sneaks into the library.

Luke checks around for cameras, and he doesn’t see any, so he hops up onto a table that situated beside the window and cracks it open. Luke cringes as he lifts his body through the window with his arms, and groans at how much it hurts. Luke isn’t known for having strong arm muscles. 

Luke thinks he’s got his footing, but his hand slips at the last minute causing him to fall through the window and bang his head on the ground.

“Fuck,” Luke exclaims, too loud for a library and definitely too loud for the middle of the night.

He hears a snort to his left, and he blushes as he glances up and sees Michael smirking at him. Sadly, the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Shut up,” Luke whispers, and he moves over to where Michael is sitting. Michael has nothing with him, he’s just leaning against a shelf of science-fiction books and staring into space. Luke takes a seat beside Michael, and the older boy immediately rests his head on Luke’s shoulder.

“How’d you find me?” Michael whispers, so quiet that Luke barely hears him.

“I just thought you’d be here, you seemed upset.”

“I’m fine,” Michael says, and one look at him tells Luke that it’s a lie.

“Michael,” Luke says, and Michael just buries himself further into Luke’s shoulder.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” the older boy mumbles, voice caught in the fabric of Luke’s shirt.

Luke sighs and brings an arm around Michael. Luke already knows that Michael hates opening up or talking about his feelings, and Luke knows how bad that can be. He needs to help Michael, and Luke’s never felt to strongly about another person in his life. It should scare him, really, but it doesn’t.

“Michael, if you never talk about it, it’ll hurt more. Please,” Luke pleads.

Michael rearranges himself so that he’s lying on Luke’s lap, and Luke brings his hands up to stroke Michael’s hair. Luke smiles as Michael makes a contented noise, and they sit in comfortable silence as Luke waits for Michael’s answer.

“So, Calum,” Michael starts, and Luke squeezes his shoulder in reassurance.

“We were best friends, since we were little,” Michael has a strained smile on his face, and Luke hates that he looks so upset. “I didn’t have a lot of friends, but Calum was always there, y’know? He was very protective, sweet, and cool. Everything was the same for so long, but high school……….it became a little, bit, well awkward.”

“Cal-Calum loved-loves football, so of course when he made the team he was ecstatic. Unfortunately, the team was full of a bunch of assholes.” Michael’s voice takes on a note that Luke can’t place, but Luke can definitely tell where this is going and he holds Michael a little tighter. 

“Calum was still himself, though, y’know. But he didn’t know his team treated me like shit. I always was writing in my journal - which I don’t let anyone see - and they would always shove me into lockers and say stupid shit,” Michael sighs, and Luke’s heart breaks because Michael had to deal with that. Luke’s high school did have it’s assholes, but Luke was never really a target.

“They left me alone when I was with Calum. But one day, I went home and noticed I didn’t have my journal. I figured I left it in my locker, or something. So when I got to school I was confused as to why everyone was staring at me like I killed their families or something.”

Michael’s voice was getting progressively quieter and strained, and his eyes were closed but Luke could tell he was almost crying. Luke just holds Michael, because that’s all he can do to comfort the pale boy.

Michael takes a deep breath. “So, I go my locker, only to be shoved by one of the asshole teammates, immediately calling me - like, derogatory names for - y’know, like -”

“Yeah,” Luke whispers. Michael doesn’t have to say it out loud for Luke to know what he means.

“And I was confused. Because I wasn’t…….I wasn’t out yet. Not even to Calum,” Michael explains, and this is when Luke gets confused.

“Then, how..?” Luke trails off, and Michael shifts in his grip.

“While the assholes were ganging up on me, Calum was there. I thought he would help me, you know. But he didn’t - and I didn’t know why, and I look down and my journal was in his hands, and I know he read it, and showed the team or something, and after that I didn’t even confront Calum, or look at him. He invaded my privacy, didn’t stand up for me, didn’t bother approaching me either. So I got hurt. I didn’t have any friends, people would bully me, fuck, Luke, it sucked,” Michael says and Michael is now sitting up and his arms are wrapped around Luke, and Luke almost starts crying when he feels tears start staining his shirt.

“You’re okay now,” Luke whispers, gently rubbing circles onto Michael’s back. Luke knew whatever had Michael so closed off sucked, but he didn’t realise it sucked that much. To have your best friend turn on you, the one person you trust? That would suck. Luke’s never really had a best friend, but he had friends, and they never hurt him. 

“That’s in the past, and it sucks that Calum’s here, and he happens to be my roommate, but…..you don’t deserve that,” Luke continues, and Michael moves back and wipes his eyes.

“You’re the first person I’ve told. Not even my mom,” Michael whispers, and Luke’s heart crumbles. 

“Why?”

“I guess. I don’t know,” Michael replies, and Luke takes Michael’s hand.

“I feel kind of shitty though. He hurt me - but I never let him tell me his side,” Michael says, and Luke’s eyebrows furrow.

He tilts Michael’s chin up, and brings his lips in a soft kiss to Michael’s.

“Who cares, that was still a dick thing to do. Maybe he had his reasons. But he shouldn’t have done it, and it’s not like he approached you either.” Luke reasons, and Michael just shrugs and leans his head on Luke’s shoulder.

“Thank you, for listening,” Michael breaks the silence.

It’s quiet for a while, and neither have the motivation to get up and move from their spot. It’s three in the morning now and Michael’s exhausted from crying and Luke’s exhausted from everything, and Luke’s proud. They may not have known each other for long, but Luke feels himself falling hard for Michael. And Luke knows Michael has trouble opening up to people - and the fact he told Luke the shittest part of his past is a big step.

“I’ll always listen to you,” Luke says, and when he gets no response, he sees Michael fell asleep on his shoulder. Luke laughs and wraps an arm around Michael, closing his eyes and listening to Michael’s breathing.

Maybe things will get harder now that Calum’s in the picture - but Luke thinks it might just be the closure Michael needs to fully escape the bubble he’s put himself in. Luke’s angry at Michael’s past, but for now he’ll focus on the present, and the fact that Michael’s his, and he’s here in Luke’s arms where he fits perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah don't hate me, i promise calum's a sweetheart now and had his reasons! everything will come together don't worry!  
> follow me on [tumblr](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


	11. Melophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you all are! i hope you enjoy.  
> warning for some implied homophobia & shitty parents.  
> all mistakes are mine x

**_melophilia - love of music_ **

Luck must be on Michael’s side, because he doesn’t run into Calum at all throughout the week. It’s surprising, since he’s Luke’s roommate, but Luke’s done a pretty good job at avoiding his dorm, and they usually hang out at Michael’s anyway since he doesn’t have to share his room.

Michael’s thankful that Luke understands he’s not ready to face Calum yet. Michael is scared, but he truly wants to do  _ something _ about it, and maybe that something can finally fix his fucked up perception of letting people in or whatever.

The thing is, Michael hasn’t told Ashton yet, and his best friend has noticed he’s being weird. Michael wants to tell Ashton, but he also doesn’t want Ashton to worry - but the older boy's constant barrage of text messages gets really annoying. 

He’s been spending most of his time with Luke since running into Calum again, but that’s because Luke knows and is there to comfort him. They do their homework with each other, and Michael will help Luke with his creative writing assignments, and Michael often cringes at how badly Luke can string together sentences, but he also finds it adorable. 

Michael is also fascinated by the fact that whenever Luke is doing physics or math, he’s so concentrated and focused and can go through an equation so fast that it’s as if the blonde isn’t even human. The way that Luke’s eyebrows will furrow slightly and the way his tongue will stick out of his mouth when he’s concentrated, and the way his eyes light up when he figures out the answer always warms Michael’s heart, and the older boy can’t help but give Luke a small kiss for figuring out such hard problems.

Michael knows he made a good decision to let Luke in, and he doesn’t regret it. He was so frightened that he would regret it and end up getting hurt, or hurting Luke, but that hasn’t happened and he instead got a phenomenal boyfriend, and he couldn’t ask for anything more.

It’s Thursday night when Ashton barges into Michael’s room and sits himself on Michael’s bed. Michael freezes where he is, adjusting his hair so that the dye he has in it doesn’t stain anything. His lilac hair had faded to more of a washed out grey, so he decided to go with something to contrast the previous light hair he had, and went with black.

“Hi?” Michael says, and he bites his lip because he hasn’t since his best friend in a week and hasn’t been very clear with his texts either. 

Ashton raises an eyebrow. “Black? Interesting choice.”

“Well, I thought it would contrast - “

Ashton cuts him off. “Not what I’m here to talk about. Why have you been weird? Are you okay? Did I do something? I haven’t seen you since I talked to you in the library, after what happened with Luke.”

Michael hates seeing his best friend so worried and upset over him, and he goes and sits down beside Ashton.

“No - really, I’m sorry. A lot happened, I guess,” Michael shrugs.

Ashton turns to face Michael directly. There’s so much concern swimming in his hazel eyes that Michael hates himself even more for making Ashton worry. “Mikey, seriously. I’m your best friend - you need to stop hiding shit from me, or anyone. Please tell me,”

Ashton is so sincere and Michael’s heart warms at how glad he is that of all people, he chose Ashton to be his best friend.

Michael starts with recounting how he fixed things with Luke, where he took Luke and all the things about their first date. Ashton’s smiling so big the entire time, and when Michael let’s the ‘boyfriend’ word slip, Ashton jumps on him in a gigantic hug and Michael laughs as he falls backwards onto his bed.

“I’m mad at you for not telling me right away, but I’m proud of you. And happy for you!” Ashton exclaims, moving himself to a sitting position so that it’s almost like Ashton is straddling Michael, and if Luke walked in Michael would really have some explaining to do.

“Okay, off, this position is too provocative,” Michael grunts and pushes Ashton off.

“You’ll be doing it with Luke soon enough,” Ashton retorts and Michael responds but throwing a pillow at his head.

Michael laughs, then curses when he remembers he has hair dye in his hair. “Dude, you totally got dye on my bed. And on your arm, probably.”

Ashton turns his arm over and sure enough, there’s small patch of black hair dye. “Fuck,” is all he says and Michael can’t help but laugh at him.

“It’s all your fault, anyway,” Michael says. He saunters into the bathroom and gestures for Ashton to follow. “Help me rinse it out.”

Ashton grumbles but does as Michael asks, and once the dye is washed out and freshly blow dried a half an hour later, Michael walks out to Ashton playing Michael’s guitar.

Ashton stops playing and whistles. “Damn, that looks fucking hot. Luke’s gonna die when he sees it,” Ashton laughs.

Michael blushes in response. “Shut up,” he mutters as he goes to sit in front of Ashton.

There’s a short silence before Ashton speaks up again. “There’s something else. That happened after you and Luke got together,” Ashton asks, but it’s not really a question.

Michael coughs. “Uh.” It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell Ashton, he trusts the older boy with everything he has, but thinking about it just brings him down. 

“Michael.”

“I know,” Michael sighs, and he runs his fingers through his freshly dyed hair. Michael grabs his journal, just for something to fumble with. It’s a nervous habit, really, and his journal is where he goes when he needs comfort.

“So, you know how I never really talk about high school, right, and you know that I had a friend that, y’know, hurt me, I guess?”  Michael mumbles, and Ashton brings a comforting hand to his best friend's knee. 

So Michael retells the story of what happened once again, and Ashton’s eyes to through a flurry of expressions that Michael come and go so fast that Michael can’t catch them.

“I’m glad you finally told me,” Ashton says. “But, how does that relate..?”

Michael sighs. “He’s Luke’s roommate, his name’s Calum, and I ran into him. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.”

Ashton’s silent for a minute, and Michael can’t read the expression on his face. “Oh,” is all Ashton says.

Michael thinks it’s strange, because usually Ashton has a lot more to say on certain subjects. He raises an eyebrow, and Ashton seems to snap out of whatever daydream he was in.

“Sorry, fuck, that’s shitty, what happened in high school, Mikey.” Ashton moves and brings Michael into another hug, and he relaxes himself into his best friends embrace.

“Yeah,” Michael whispers, and Ashton leans back to look Michael in the eye.

“Um. Have you tried talking to him?” Ashton asks, and there’s something in Ashton’s eye that Michael can’t place, but he’s probably just being paranoid, like usual, so he ignores it.

“Calum? No, not yet.”

“What about after what happened? Like, when it first happened?”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “No, like I said he hurt me and didn’t even try approaching me to apologize, so nothing happened after that.”

Ashton bites his lip. “I know it’s hard, Mikey, but maybe….it’s been a while. Why don’t you try talking to him?”

Michael shakes his head. “I will. When I’m ready. You seem pretty insistent on this topic, though. Why?” Michael questions, because usually Ashton does ask a lot of questions, but his best friend is acting weird in this situation.

Ashton seems caught off guard, and stumbles over his words before getting them out. “It’s that I hate seeing you torn up over something like this, and maybe talking would help,” Ashton explains.

Michael doesn’t quite believe him, but he shoos that thought away because he has no reason to doubt Ashton. The hazel eyed boy is probably tired or confused on the situation and lets it slide.

Michael moves forward and embraces Ashton once again, missing his best friend. “I’m glad you came over, sorry for avoiding you,”

“It’s okay, I missed you too,” Ashton says, and when Ashton let's go to send a radiant smile Michael’s way, there’s a knock at his door.

Michael and Ashton both get up, because Ashton should be on his way back to work on homework, and Michael opens the door to reveal Luke.

Except Luke looks different. He seems frazzled and stressed, and Michael swears his eyes were red as if he was crying.

Luke’s eyes widen once he catches sight of Ashton. “Oh. You’re busy - I’m sorry, I’ll come back later.”

“No, I’m leaving, it’s alright,” Ashton says, and pats Michael on the back when he exits. “See you later, Mikey. Nice seeing you Luke.”

Luke doesn’t acknowledge Ashton, and Michael returns his attention to Luke, and ushers the younger boy inside. He doesn’t like seeing Luke in such a state, and he’s never seen an expression like this on Luke’s face, and he hates it.

Michael brings Luke to his bed and he sits down, playing with his hands. Michael settles beside him. 

“Are you alright?” Michael asks, and he let’s Luke rest his head on his shoulder. Recently it seems that Luke’s been the one comforting Michael, and Michael’s glad he can return the favour.

Luke blinks a couple of times before looking up at Michael. “Your hair is black,” he says and Michael can’t help the laugh that escaped him.

“It is, do you like it?” Michael asks, hands still gently combing through Luke’s blonde locks.

“Yeah,” Luke whispers, but it seems like his mind is somewhere else.

Michael moves them into a lying position, Luke resting his head on Michael’s chest. Michael likes holding Luke, the young boy fitting comfortably in his arms, but he thinks he likes being held by Luke a little bit more - not that he’d admit that to anyone.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Michael says, and Luke closes his eyes.

“My parents phoned me,” Luke says, and he doesn’t elaborate.

Michael is filled with concern for his boyfriend, because Luke had said that his parents kind of dictated what he did with his life, but the way Luke’s acting makes Michael’s heart ache,  thinking that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents.

Michael has an extremely good relationship with his, though he doesn’t text them or call as often as he should, he knows his parents will always be there for him. The thought that Luke possibly didn’t have that type of relationship with his parents hurts.

“Is everything alright?” Michael asks, and the dry chuckle that Luke lets out startles Michael. He’s never seen Luke almost cynical, and it scares him, but he also would be lying if he said it didn’t turn him on.

“It never is with them,” Luke mutters.

Michael moves their positions so they’re both laying on their sides, and Michael brings an arm around Luke. Luke closes his eyes and makes a content side, and Michael smiles softly.

“What’s your relationship with them like?” Michael questions, voice soft.

Luke tenses underneath Michael’s touch, and moves closer to Michael so their foreheads were touching.

“You can tell me,” Michael whispers, bringing his face to Luke’s and placing a soft kiss on the blonde’s nose. 

Michael continues rubbing circles on Luke’s back, and let’s the younger boy gather his thoughts. Michael hates seeing Luke like this, he’s used to seeing Luke’s happy, radiant smile along with his bubbly personality. Luke’s almost shut down, and Michael wants nothing more for that smile to be returned to Luke’s face.

“It’s not good,” Luke starts, and Michael decides to turn Luke over so he can fully rest his chin on Luke’s head and wrap his arms around his boyfriend's lanky torso, because Luke needs all the comfort he can get.

Luke’s voice is far away when he speaks up again. “I told you it’s like they always had a plan for me, you know. I’ve always genuinely liked science and math and stuff, but they kind of got me into that. They want me to be some fancy mathematician or whatever, hence what I’m taking.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely like this stuff. But the thing is, I really like music, too.” Luke almost whispers the last part, and Michael tightens his hold on Luke.

Michael thinks back to when he dropped Luke off at his dorm and saw a guitar inside, and now that Michael knows that Calum’s Luke’s roommate, he knows it’s Lukes. “That was your guitar, in your room, then,” Michael concludes, and Luke nods against him.

“Yeah,” Luke says.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Michael asks, voice gentle.

Luke sighs. “I don’t like to think about it…...but. You told me your story, I’ll tell you mine.”

Michael hums to let Luke know he’s listening, and the younger boy starts speaking again.

“I don’t play it, anymore.” Luke pauses. “I started playing when I was thirteen, my aunt got it for me. My parents were always kind of, dubious, of the arts, I would say, because it “gets you nowhere - no offense, trust me, I don’t think that - but they let me have it, I guess.”

“My parents always wanted me to be this perfect son, exactly like my brothers, my I always felt different, you know? I was so much more invested in music back then than I was science or math, and then I started getting in trouble for it, because I wasn’t who they were trying to shape me up to be. I would always get yelled at or whatever, but I kept playing, because it made me feel better.”

Luke stops, and Michael feels his breathing get heavier, and Michael knows that whatever Luke is about to tell him is hard, so Michael presses a kiss to Luke’s hair. “That sucks, so much. I can’t imagine, Luke,” Michael whispers, and Luke just sighs.

“That’s not all. I made a mistake when I came out to them,” Luke whispers, and Michael’s blood freezes.

That’s not what Michael expected, at all. The thought of anyone not accepting Luke for something like that makes his blood boil, but he stows his anger away because this is time for Luke to open up to him, and he lets Luke continue.

“And I guess that was the last straw - because once I told them, it’s like their plan for me to be this perfect boy that they planned since I was a kid was out the window, and they just got so mad, Michael. They screamed at me because I wasn’t who they wanted - they didn’t want me - and after that, they just got so much more strict. Since I wasn’t who they wanted to be, they practically made it their fucking job to make sure I was “getting back on track with who I’m supposed to be.” They just thought I was lost or confused or whatever. I don’t know - the thing is they cracked down on me. Never let me go on any dates, they always made me focus on my homework - and they completely took music away from me. I wasn’t allowed to play, they even ground me from listening to music for a month. A month,” Luke stops, and Michael can hear Luke’s voice become strained, and Michael is so angry at Luke’s parents and he’s so sad and upset that Luke had to go through that, and he doesn’t want Luke to relive these memories any longer.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can stop there,” Michael whispers, and Luke turns in Michael’s arms and buries his head in the crook of Michael’s neck.

“Parents are supposed to let their child do what they want and love them no matter what,” Luke mumbles, words caught on Michael’s skin. “They’re not supposed to only love you if you’re what they want you to be.”

Michael feels tears spring up at his eyes at Luke’s words, and he’s at a loss. He doesn’t know what to say. His heart aches for Luke, so badly, and he wants just take Luke and run away from everything shitty that’s ever happened to them.

Michael finds the words to say, but he knows they aren’t enough. “I’m fucking sorry that you had to grow up like that, Luke. You deserve to be loved for who you are, and trust me - who you are is amazing. You’re kind and positive and happy and caring - and you go for what you want. Even if that’s because of your parents, which is shitty, you’re ambitious. And hey, you got my stubborn ass to open up to you with that attitude.”

Luke laughs, slightly watery from the tears he’d spilled on Michael’s shirt.

“Thank you for listening,” Luke says, repeating Michael’s words from a couple days prior.

“Always,” Michael replies, and when he catches sight of his guitar that Ashton had left sitting on the floor, he gets an idea.

Michael smirks, and Luke looks at him funny. 

“Do you remember how to play?”

Luke shakes his head. “Barely. I stop - they stopped letting me play when I was fifteen,” Luke brings his head down to Luke at his feet, and Michael tilts his chin up and takes Luke’s lips in a kiss.

“Well, they’re not here right now. But I am. And I have a guitar,” Michael says, and he grabs the guitar from the floor and places it on Luke’s lap.

Luke’s eyes widen. “Michael - no, this is yours -”

“I know,” Michael laughs. “Come on, hold it like you hold a guitar.”

As Luke readjusts himself, Michael moves behind him and wraps his arms around Luke, and Michael rests his hands on top of the younger boys. Michael moves Luke’s hands onto the correct frets, and Luke looks at him.

“I’m going to teach you how to play again. You said it made you happy  - and you deserve to always be happy Luke. And no one has to know. This is our thing.”

Luke smiles for the first time that day, his smile so radiant and bright that it lights up the entire room. Michael smiles back, even though he can’t really see Luke from this angle.

“Michael, you’re the best boyfriend the world could ever ask for,” Luke says and tilts his head back to give Michael a kiss on the lips.

Michael rolls his eyes and returns his attention to the guitar. “Remember the song I wrote and sang to you? I’ll teach you that one,” Michael explains, and Luke nods eagerly.

For the rest of the night, Michael is teaching Luke all the frets and chords of the song he composed himself, and Luke is the most at peace Michael’s ever seen him. Luke picks up the first verse and chorus easily, and Michael smiles at how happy Luke is. Luke has a talent for the guitar, and Michael hates Luke’s parents even more for taking it away from him.

By the time that Luke learns the entire song it’s four in the morning and they have to get up in two hours, but the smile on Luke’s face and the happiness reflecting in Luke’s eyes is worth more to Michael than a good night’s sleep will ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> so i'm gonna try and keep up with updates at least once a week, but we all know how that turned out when i said it before, but i have school starting soon and i think that schedule will help me keep up with this one!  
> follow me on[tumblr](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)!  
> comments & kudos are appreciated!


	12. Chromatophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! i'm back, and i'm super proud of his chapter.  
> i decided to finally input some of 'michael's' writing, and i hope it's okay, because i tried to write it from his perspective?  
> i really like this chapter, i hope you do, too!  
> all mistakes are mine! x

_**Chromatophilia - the love of colours** _

Michael hasn’t really had much time to even ponder over the happenings of the past couple weeks yet, because now it’s finals seasons and everyone is stressed, he’s pretty sure he’s seen half the entire campus asleep in the library at this point.

It’s not unusual for him to spend most of his time in the library, he almost lives there. But he hates how it gets so crowded around finals season - it’s kind of his place, and he knows it’s public, but still. It’s annoying.

He still somehow hasn’t run into Calum, thank god, but for some reason Ashton has kept nagging him to talk to the boy - who he hadn’t seen for three years prior - so Michael had told Ashton he would talk to him  _ after _ finals. But he doesn’t know if he’ll keep to that.

Michael wishes Calum would find a way to approach him, deep down, because that would basically force the situation. Michael knows himself, and he hates that he knows it’s very likely he won’t approach Calum without a push. It’s just that situation hurt so much, back in high school, and he’s scared to face it again.

For now, though, Michael needs to focus on finals. His only class that’s full year is creative writing, then he goes into a different music class and he has his standard english final, so he’s not really overly stressed about finals, but he needs to do good on his final essay.

But, as he sits on his bed with his computer resting on his lap, he can’t seem to get the words out. Michael’s distracted, he keeps checking his phone to see if he has a text from Luke, and they’ve been easily dating for three weeks now. The thought brings a smile to Michael’s face. He’s so glad he let himself have this, have Luke, and he hopes they’ll keep going at the pace they have.

He knows Luke takes finals very, very seriously - so it’s understandable the boy won’t be answering his phone. But, ever since Luke opened up about his family situation, Michael just wants to hold him and be with him twenty four-seven. Their guitar lessons are going great, as well, Luke coming over when he has time. Luke’s so natural at the guitar it amazes Michael, because what took Michael years Luke has picked up. Considering Luke has played before, though, Michael understands how Luke had picked it back up so quickly.

Michael loves how at peace Luke looks playing music. How the blonde’s tongue would stick slightly out the side of his mouth in concentration, his blue eyes gleaming while he focuses on what chords come next. Michael hasn’t heard Luke sing, yet, but he’s seen Luke mouthing some of the words and he knows that Luke probably has a beautiful voice.

Luke has said he’s passionate about the sciences and maths, but Michael can’t help but wonder if music means more to Luke than he lets on, and had to give it up just because he’s not who is parents wanted him to be.

With Michael, he’s passionate about music, but he knows that writing songs and writing stories is where his heart belongs. He can piece words together so easily, so fluently, and writing always sends a sense of calm washing over him. He really hopes that Luke can find that, too.

Michael hasn’t written in a while and it’s bringing him down, but right now he has to type up this stupid essay about a book he doesn’t even remember the name of but all he knows is that he hated it, and he can’t even comprehend the essay question.

He sighs and shuts off his laptop for now, knowing he’ll be up all night the next day cramming to finish it, but nothing in his brain is processing things properly right now so he knows he wouldn’t do a good job on it if he tried to finish it at this point. He instead chooses to write, because he hasn’t been writing lately and he needs something to ease his mind, and writing always does the trick.

Michael gets up opens his journal, and he decides to reflect on what his life has been like recently. He’ll admit, he’s been a lot happier since he met Luke and decided to open himself up. He knew he’d been sad and lonely, but he didn’t realise just how much until he’d met the blonde boy.

Lately, lots of Michael’s stories started to be about Luke, even subconsciously writing it. It made Michael smile, to have something - someone - new to inspire him.

Michael takes his pen and opens a page of his journal, smiling when he finds the right words to come together and jot them down on the page.

**_date: nov 29_ ** **_title: grey_ **

_ There was a boy, one who was closed off and hid from the world. He didn't want anyone to take notice of him - he was comfortable in his air-tight bubble he had created for himself. He knows that it isn't safe, it isn't healthy to be avoiding everyone - but he thinks it's better than getting hurt. _

_ He sees life in grey - everything is blended together; people will constantly pass by in a blur, almost faceless and non-existent. He doesn't make eye contact, he doesn't spare a glance; he simply lets himself be carried by the wind, and he lets the grey surround him; it’s almost suffocating, the grey, but he’s been living in it so long that he’s learned to breathe. _

_ The boy was comfortable in the grey world around him. It was lonely, but that was okay. He was okay. _

_ But one day, in the middle of the washed out and grey world; there was a spark of light, a rainbow in the midst of all the dull colour, and the tight air seemed to open up. This colour was a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes and a smile that could be seen from the stars. This is when the boy who was suffocating started to breathe again, and this is when the boy who was living in grey started to live in colour. _

**_**_m.c_ ** _ **

 

Michael smiles at the words he wrote, happy with the way they came together. It wasn’t necessarily a poem or a short story; he doesn’t know what it is, really, but he’s proud of it.

Michael loves feeling proud of his writing, because there are so many times where Michael will be up until three in the morning, almost crying because the words just won’t come out, and he’ll think that he’ll never amount to anything, never get anywhere being a writer. But times like these, when he writes something he’s proud of, he finds a little bit of hope that maybe, someday, he’ll be able to find a living doing what he loves.

Michael closes his journal, but he can’t seem to let go of what he just wrote. He glances into the mirror, fixing his newly black hair, and smiling to himself. Because he knows what he’s about to do - Luke had opened up to him, telling him about his family, and there was relationship is going so, so well, Michael thinks he’s ready.

Michael’s shown Luke his songs, but never his stories. He knows Luke will be stressed studying for his finals, so he thinks the boy might need a break. And Michael’s ready to let Luke in just a bit more.

***

Michael eagerly knocks on Luke’s door, and is ready to jump on Luke and give him a huge hug, but it wasn’t Luke who had opened the door.

In front of Michael, stood Calum, and Michael can’t believe he didn’t think that Calum would actually be in the damn room, because it was his dorm as well.

Calum sends Michael an uneasy smile, and Michael sends a tight one back.

“Hey, Mike - Michael,” Calum starts, biting his lip. The brown boy looks nervous, for whatever reason, and Michael didn’t come here to talk to him.

“Hi. Is Luke there?” Michael asks, because Calum’s blocking the doorway, for whatever reason.

Calum, instead of replying, steps out into the hallway and shuts the door behind him. Michael raises an eyebrow, hoping that the annoyance he feels is displayed on his face. “Yeah, he’s studying. But - listen, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to do this again - but we should talk.” Calum says, leaning back against the door.

Michael can’t help but scoff at what Calum’s offering. He doesn’t know where the hell this bravery came from, he thinks it’s the anger and sadness and loneliness that’s been bubbling up inside of him since high school, and it’s slowly starting to rise to the surface.

“Yeah, really? Well, where was this “We should talk” attitude in high school, when I actually needed you, Calum? Ever think that? I don’t care what you have to say now, I needed it then. I don’t need it now.” Michael’s almost shaking, and he feels his eyes water - but he doesn’t back down. All this anger he’s felt towards his former best friend is just suddenly  _ there _ , and he doesn’t know where to put it, how to push it back down, so he lets it out. “Maybe we’ll talk later, but it really fucking hurt, if that’s what you want to know. Can I see Luke now, please?” Michael finishes, and if he wasn’t so upset he would almost fucking laugh at the shocked look on Calum’s face.

Calum breaks out of his frozen stance, simply nodding at Michael and opening the door. Luke is staring at the door, books forgotten, eyes wide. Michael mentally curses, because Luke totally heard all of that. 

Calum turns towards Luke. “I’ll be back later,” he says, and with one last look at Michael, takes off.

Michael meets Luke’s eyes, and he almost can’t move. For the longest time, he didn’t even tell anyone what had happened between him and Calum, and now that he’s told his boyfriend and best friend, all the memories were just coming back, and seeing Calum in person, he just kind of blew up. Michael’s never been the type of person to confront anyone, hell, he avoids it at all costs.

Michael didn’t notice Luke standing in front of him until he felt a hand take his, and he looks up to meet kind blue eyes. 

“Hey,” Luke says, soft. He pulls Michael into his dorm and Michael sits on Luke’s bed, kind of on autopilot. Michael fiddles with the edges of his journal, and Luke moves his textbooks on the ground. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

Michael coughs, and he leans against Luke’s shoulder. “I, uh, thought you’d be stressed and surprise you,” Michael admits, and Luke wraps an arm around him in response.

“That’s very nice, if I’m honest, I think I need a break,” Luke chuckles, and Michael moves further into Luke. Luke moves back onto the bed so they’re laying down, and they rearrange themselves so that Luke is spooning Michael.

It’s quiet for a moment before Luke speaks again. “I heard you, what you said to Calum,” Luke whispers, running his hands through Michael’s hair. 

Michael closes his eyes. “I don’t know why I did that - I feel so bad, Luke. I never confront people -” Michael stops, catching his breath to make sure he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t need to stress Luke out even more.

Luke starts rubbing a hand down Michael’s arm. “Hey, it’s okay, I know. I think you needed to do that, it’s been inside of you for how long? And maybe he needed to hear it. I still only know your side of the story, too, so in my opinion, he deserved it.”

Michael turns to meet Luke’s eyes. “Did you ask him about it?”

Luke blushes, guilty smile appearing on his face. “I’m sorry. I know it’s none of my business - but I really care about you and I just, I needed to - know. I wanted to help.”

Michael’s heart skips a beat at Luke’s words. “Did he say anything?”

“No, he got all defensive and told me to fuck off,” Luke rolls his eyes and Michael laughs, because he remembers no matter who it was, back in the day Calum would always get defensive over anyone asking him personal questions, but he would always soften around Michael.

Luke must have noticed Michael’s thoughts going somewhere else, and he brings his hand back to Michael’s hair. “Do you miss him? Like, his friendship.”

Michael bites his lip, and scoots more into Luke’s embrace. “I do,” Michael admits, shrugging. “It’s just - we were best friends for so long, and then that happened, and he didn’t talk to me, and then I got angry -  it sucked. But he was my best friend since I was little, you know? But I don’t know if I can.” Michael finishes, his voice turning to a whisper.

He really is scared, of history repeating itself. It’s why he wrapped himself in his quaint little bubble for the past three years, avoiding everyone at all costs. What if the same thing happened? And, it’s also the same thing preventing him from even wanting to talk to Calum. What if he just hurts Michael again? Michael doesn’t know if he could deal with that again.

Luke turns Michael, and their eyes meet. Luke’s eyes are warm, and he leans down and presses a soft kiss to Michael’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay to feel that way,” Luke starts, and Michael knows there’s a ‘but’ coming. “But, you really should try and talk to him, Mikey. Maybe get his side of the story - you seem so much happier since you let me in, maybe letting just one more person will help a lot.” Luke suggest, and Michael wants to kiss him, because how the hell did he, of all people, manage to get someone as kind and caring as Luke Hemmings to be his boyfriend?

“What did I do to deserve you?” Michael laughs, and Luke beams at him. Michael lifts his hands to Luke’s chin and brings their mouths together, lips soft as always and the kisses always getting more passionate as time goes on.

When they separate, Luke’s face is serious. “But please, talk to him, okay? I think it’s what’s best for you.” Luke pleads, and his eyes are so sincere, Michael doesn’t want to disappoint him.

Michael thinks a minute before he responds, and he’s glad Luke understands that he needs to do so. Michael knows deep down, he does miss his former best friend. He loves Ashton with all his heart, of course, but what he and Calum had was different. 

But he’s so scared - and he hates that he is. But Luke wants him to do this, so he needs to consider it.

“I’ll try, okay?” Michael agrees, and Luke bites his lip.

“Please actually try, okay? I know it’s scary, but you’ll never learn if you don’t try,” Luke replies, and Michael raises an eyebrow.

“What?” is all Michael says, because he doesn’t know how to take Luke’s last comment.

The blonde’s eyes widen, and Michael can see his mind backtracking. “No, no, that came out wrong. What I meant was, when I was younger I never went for anything, you know, how I told you? And it just made me sad. So I’m saying is, even if you’re scared, just do it. I know you don’t want to get hurt Michael, but sometimes you have to.” Luke finishes, and Michael rests his head on Luke’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Michael says, not having enough energy to comprehend anything else. He wasn’t exactly offended by Luke’s earlier statement, but if he was it’d be his fault anyway, since he’s the one who has so much trouble opening up.

Luke wraps his arms around Michael. “I think we’re too stressed at the moment anyways, to be having such deep conversations. Nothing will come out right,” Luke laughs, and then Michael feels Luke’s arm leave his body for a moment. 

“Hey, why did you bring your journal? You never let it leave your room,” Luke questions, and Michael feels the blush rise on his face.

Michael pulls away and grabs his journal, opening to the page he wrote before coming over to Luke’s. He forgets Calum, forgets the conversation they just had, and focuses on his feelings for Luke, the feelings he put into the small short he wrote.

Michael nervously fiddles with the pages, before handing Luke the book. Luke’s eyes widen in surprise, and he looks to Michael. “You’re … letting me read it? Are you sure?” Luke asks, concerned. Michael’s heart swells at how even though Luke and him have been dating for a while, Luke knows that Michael’s journal is where he pours his heart and soul, and he’s never let anyone touch it. But he’s ready to let Luke in.

“Yes,” Michael smiles, taking Luke’s hand in his. “It's..my way of saying I trust you, 100%.” Michael breathes, and he’s almost shaking at the admission, because that’s a big thing for him, but the smile Michael gets from Luke in return is worth everything.

“Thank you,” Luke whispers, and Michael watches as his eyes scan the page. Michael notices tears well up in Luke’s eyes, and Michael squeezes his hand.

Luke finishes, and he gently places Michael’s journal to the side before jumping on Michael, them both falling back onto the bed and Michael laughing at Luke practically tackling him. Luke takes Michael’s mouth in a kiss, and Michael kisses back immediately. This kiss is more heated and passionate than all the others, and he laughs again when Luke pulls away.

The gaze present in Luke’s eyes is so intense and sincere, and Michael just wants to kiss him again, for the rest of the night.  

“Michael, holy shit,” Luke breathes, rolling beside Michael instead of on top. “Your songs were amazing but that? That was fucking beautiful,” Luke says, and Michael blushes.

“I’m really proud of it,” Michael admits, shrugging like it’s something so casual, and Luke hits him in the arm.

“Don’t shrug! You should be, it was beautiful, Michael.” Luke whispers, meeting Michael’s eyes and the older boy watches as Luke takes a stray hair and gently pushes it behind Michael’s ear. 

Luke takes his hands and rubs circles, Michael squeezing back at the contact. “Who is it about?” Luke smirks, and Michael rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know, someone special I guess. You haven’t met, I think you’d like him.” Michael jokes, and Luke’s laugh wraps around Michael, making him feel warm and at home.

“Well, I sure hope so,” Luke replies, and they both laugh, choosing to lay back on the bed beside each other, and they sit in comfortable silence, holding each other’s hands and just enjoying each other’s presence.

It’s Luke who breaks the silence. “Hey, Michael?” he asks, and Michael turns so their foreheads are touching, eyes meeting once again.

“Yeah?”

Luke smiles. “I promise you, I’ll make sure your world is never grey again, okay?”

Michael feels tears welling up in his eyes, at the sincerity behind Luke’s comment. To most, it would seem like nothing, but to Michael, it’s everything.

Michael brings their lips together once again. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you liked it! and thank you so much for putting up with my inconsistent updates.
> 
> hit me up on[tumblr!](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


	13. Atelophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i'm still alive! i'd like to start off with a HUGE APOLOGY. i am so so sorry for leaving you waiting for two months. i seriously don't know how time went by that fast! i was going through a bit of a rough patch lately, and school is draining the life out of me.  
> if you're still reading this, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart xx  
> note, nov 15: i fixed the chapter title!

_**atelophilia - obsessive love of imperfection** _

It’s now the middle of December, and all of Michael’s finals are at last, completed. He did mediocre on his standard English final, but he’ll proudly admit to his A on his music final. Since his creative writing class is year-round, he only had a midterm, which he got an A on as well.

He’s glad they're over, though, because exams stress the hell out of everyone. Michael usually just kind of shuts down when he’s stressed, but considering he only had two finals and a midterm, he didn’t break down during finals week. He remembers his first year he didn’t leave his room for a week, and cried more than he had in his entire life over the most trivial things. But, not everyone handles stress like Michael does, and his friends were a different story.

Ashton, for one, always got a bit crazy, for lack of a better word, during finals. The boy would drink about eight coffees a day and then proceed to continuously visit Michael to check in. Michael’s appreciates Ashton’s concern for him, he always has, but when the boy is almost bouncing off the walls when Michael is too tired to keep his eyes open, he really, really can’t deal with his best friend’s energy when it’s amplified.

But, after being friends for so long, Michael knows how to deal with Ashton’s energy and is quite fond of his best friends endless enthusiasm. What Michael didn’t expect, though, was how stress took its toll on Luke. He’s seen it a little bit before, where Luke would start rambling and become extremely nervous and Michael would have to calm him down, but with Luke having four final exams, that stress must have built up inside of Luke, and instead of constantly rambling, Luke became extremely moody.

They didn’t really visit each other during the time of their exams, because they had tried studying together, but Michael was “extremely distracting” as Luke had said, and it was fair, because Michael did keep pressing kisses onto Luke’s mouth and playing with his hair while Luke was trying to study. Another time Michael visited Luke just to give him coffee, but that resulted in Luke throwing a textbook at the door then Michael comforting the boy while he cried for twenty minutes because Luke had thought he hurt Michael. Michael was trying not to laugh about it, but they both did in the end.

That was several days ago, and Luke had gotten the results of all his exams back, and he got all A’s on the finals and a B on his creative writing midterm, so they were going out tonight to celebrate. Michael was excited to finally go off-campus with Luke. They often spend time in each other’s dorms and hanging out on campus, including going to their spot  at the beach at least once a week. They now have a break before the second semester, and both Luke and Michael will be staying on campus - Michael, because he couldn’t afford to leave, he wasn’t sure of Luke’s reasoning - so they have a lot of time to spend together, and Michael’s looking forward to it. Ashton’s staying, too, so Michael really wants them all to hang out together.

But there’s one thing Michael still has to deal with - and that’s talking to Calum. Michael knows he won’t really move forward until he deals with this one thing, the one thing that shaped him to act how he does.

He also feels like if he doesn’t talk to Calum, Luke would be disappointed in him for running again. Michael knows that Luke meant nothing by his off hand comment when they were together the other week meant nothing, but it still bothered Michael, and Luke was the best thing that had happened to him this year. Michael doesn’t want his damn insecurities to ruin his relationship.

Michael and Luke were leaving later in the day, so they had time to relax first. It’s their first day of break, and Michael thinks if he gets this over with now, his conscience will be eased and maybe he’ll be able to not be scared anymore.

Michael rolls out of bed and sends a quick text to Luke, saying good morning and asking if he’s excited for the night ahead. Luke replies with a dorky smiley face and an enthusiastic response which causes Michael’s heart to speed up just a little bit. He assumes Luke will be at the dorm as well, so at least he’ll be able to look at Luke for reassurance if he tries to back out.

Michael doesn’t bother trying to look nice, after finals everyone pretty much just blacks out for the entirety of break. The remaining time they have off consists or parties and waking up at noon and walking around campus nursing a hangover with mismatched outfits that mostly consist of pajamas, so he’s not too worried about going out in a simple flannel, band t-shirt and sweats. Michael’s break last year consisted of him sleeping the entire break away, and hanging out with Ashton occasionally. Michael thinks this break will be much more productive.

Michael saunters his way downstairs and takes a deep breath, raising his hand to the door ready to knock, but not doing so yet.

He knows he needs to do this. He thought that he would never see Calum again, and though that thought brought him comfort, it hurt, because he’ll never hear Calum’s side of the story or what really happened, and that sent him into his isolated bubble. Even though he never went up to Calum when they were still in school together, too hurt to even look at the boy, Michael knows now that he truly has always wanted to talk to Calum, but his fear of being hurt again or hurt even more just prevented it. He needed a push, or a reason, and he knows Luke is that reason.

Michael finally gains to courage to press his fist against the door and knock, and he closes his eyes for a minute while waiting for it to open, and unfortunately those brief seconds felt like an eternity while his mind wandered to the worst scenarios possible.

What if Calum was just going to stop trying, and do the same thing Michael was doing to him? What if Michael comes and apologizes, and Michael finds out that Calum did indeed ditch Michael for simply that one reason, that he desperately hopes not, that maybe he still has a friend somewhere -

“Michael? Hello?”

Michael’s eyes snap open at the sound of a deep voice and a light touch on his shoulder, and he opens his eyes to see Calum staring at him, with what seems to be concern, but slight unsureness, and Michael glances to Calum’s hand resting on his shoulder. Calum quickly retreats his arm once he notices where Michael’s gaze has gone.

Michael swallows and turns to look at the floor. It was now or never - he needed to do this, no matter how much he didn’t want to.

“Hey,” is the first word Michael manages to get out, and he uses all the willpower he has to make eye contact with the Maori boy. Calum’s gaze holds confusion and concern, which surprises Michael a bit, because despite hurting Michael back in high school, Michael never really heard Calum out, so he wouldn’t be surprised if Calum hated him.

“Luke’s not here,” Calum says, voice devoid of emotion. Michael blinks and plays with the bracelets on his hand - a nervous gesture.

“I’m not - I’m not here for Luke,” Michael starts, voice shaky. Michael doesn’t miss how Calum’s eyebrows raise in surprise, and the brown boy looks as though he’s about to say something before deciding against it. “I wanted to talk to you,” Michael finally finishes, and Calum doesn’t say anything, just opens the door wider and gestures for Michael to come inside.

Michael’s been in Calum and Luke’s dorm before, but it seems different, only being here with Calum. The air seems tense and thick, and Michael would think that if the window wasn’t open, he would suffocate.

Michael takes place on Luke’s bed, and Calum sits on his own across from Michael. Michael can feels Calum’s gaze on him, but Michael doesn’t know if he can meet it. His mind is a jumble of words and thoughts, and he doesn’t know how to start.

“I’m not gonna kill you or anything,” Calum jokes, with a laugh that Michael knows his forced.

Michael just nods, moving his gaze from the floor to the window. His gaze flickers to a bird, sleeping in it’s nest, looking calm and peaceful. Sometimes, Michael wishes he was a bird.

“Dude,” Michael jumps when he feels Calum’s hand waving in front of his face, and makes eye contact with Calum’s amused gaze. “You need to stop spacing out,” Calum muses, and Michael blushes, embarrassed by how long it’s taking to get the words he wants to say out.

“Sorry,” Michael starts, and Calum rolls his eyes and begins to walk back to his bed, before turning around and instead taking a seat on Luke’s bed, next to Michael.

“It’s fine, now, why did you want to talk to me?” Calum starts, and thank god he did, because Michael’s pretty sure he would’ve sat there for three hours and not spoken a word.

Michael doesn’t know what to say first. He was never good with getting his words out in the world except on paper - paper was the only thing he could ever trust. He didn’t know where to start, how far back to go, whatever - so he just decides to start simple, then say it all.

“I’m sorry,” is the route Michael decides to go before elaborating, and he turns towards Calum and braves himself to look him in the eye.

Calum tilts his head. “Dude, I said it’s fine -”

Michael cuts him off. “No. Not about that.” Michael pauses, and searches Calum’s eyes until he recognizes realisation dawn into Calum’s gaze.

“Oh,” is all Calum says, before biting his lip and removing his eyes from Michael’s.

Michael continues, willing his voice not to shake, but it’s out of his control and does anyway. “I’m sorry about completely cutting you off - never hearing your side of the story. It was a dick move - and no matter how hurt I was, you were my best friend. I should’ve heard you out.”

Michael is still looking at Calum, and the Maori boy is shaking his head. “Michael, you have nothing to apologize for - I’m the one that ditched you completely - it doesn’t matter my reasons. I didn’t even try to approach you - ever. Even if you did hear me out then, I still didn’t come to you to apologize - I deserved it.” Calum says, resting a hand on Michael’s knee. Michael appreciates the comfort.

“No,” Michael says, and Calum’s eyes are clouded with confusion. “You didn’t deserve it. I was mad, hurt that you would do something like that. And yeah, the entire time I was waiting for you to come to me. But...you deserve to have your side of the story out in the open,” Michael says, and he places his hand on top of Calum’s, which is still resting on his knee.

Michael is surprised when Calum smiles a bit at the gesture, and Calum doesn’t change his position. “Michael..,” Calum starts, shaking his head, small smile still on his face. “It doesn’t matter anymore...It was so long ago. I just want you to forgive me, to be friends again. Is that too much to ask?” Calum pleads, and Michael is surprised at the sincerity in Calum’s voice - the fact that all this time, Calum still wanted to be friends.

But Michael had to be honest.

Michael removed his hand from Calum’s and ran a hand through his hair. “No, it’s not too much to ask - but, for us to be friends again...for me to let you in, I need to know why you did it.” Michael explains, and he glances up to see Calum staring at the bed and nodding. “It’s just…..I have a hard time letting anyone in now, y’know. I’m not blaming you, it was only part of it. It’s just...you were my best friend, and when you just completely went against me like that...it hurt. A lot. And I never wanted it to happen again. Ashton and Luke are the only people I’ve gotten remotely close to in the past years.” Michael finishes, and he’s shocked to see Calum’s eyes are glossy with tears.

“Fuck, Michael. I’m so fucking sorry - I didn’t mean to cause that.” Calum takes a deep breath, and Michael takes one of Calum’s hands in his own, showing that they’re moving forward.

“I’m not mad anymore. I’m still hurt, a little, I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting. But me isolating myself is something I did, on my own. But...I’m never going to be able to completely open myself up to anyone if I don’t let you back in...if I don’t hear you out. I’m sick of being like this, and recently by letting Luke in...I’ve realised how much I’ve missed people,” Michael explains, and Calum gives his hand a squeeze. “I won’t be able to let you in right away. But..I think I’m ready to move on,” Michael smiles, and he feels himself become calm, all nerves flying out the window.

He’s been avoiding thinking about Calum, thinking about high school for so, so long. It’s been a weight on his shoulder, always holding him back, never letting him do anything. But now, he’s tired of being alone. He’s tired of this always dragging him down. Maybe Calum being Luke’s roommate was some kind of higher power at work, to finally tell Michael to face the past and get his shit together.

There’s a silence only filled with birds chirping just outside the window before Calum speaks.

“I found your journal on the floor after class, that day,” Calum starts, and now it’s his voice that’s shaky. Michael knows where he’s starting - the day before everything went to hell. “It was open...I shouldn’t have read it. But I did. And...I read it. I was surprised because your writing was amazing. But the fact you liked guys, I kinda already knew. I could see the way you’d look at them. I was waiting for you to tell me,” Calum takes a breath and glances up at Michael.

Michael raises an eyebrow. “Wait...so you didn’t care?”

Calum shakes his head. “No. You were my best friend, I didn’t care who you liked, as long as you were happy. I was actually going to go to your house and give it back, but on my way out of the school, I ran into James.”

Michael winces at the name - he remembers James. The biggest asshole in the school, and Michael was his number one target. James was captain of the football team - cliché, Michael thinks, but the world is full of them - and basically everyone in school was scared of him, and the team worshipped him - except Calum. Calum would constantly tell Michael how he hated the team because of how they were literally all assholes, which is what made it hurt even more back then, Calum choosing them instead of him.

Michael breaks his train of thought and gestures for Calum to continue.

“He stopped me and asked how I was liking the team - and at the time, of course I hated everybody on it, but I loved soccer, and it was the only way I could get a scholarship, because my grades kinda sucked and I needed a scholarship, you know?”

Michael nods in understanding. He remembers Calum’s family was going through money troubles, which is part of the reason Calum stayed on the team.

“Anyways, he noticed the book. It was still open too, because I’m an idiot. He asked me what it was, and I said it was my notes for science or whatever. But then...he noticed your name on it, and he grabbed it right out of my hands….and read it.”

Calum was now fiddling with the sheets of Luke’s bed with one hand, and squeezing Michael’s with the other.  Michael was surprised at that at first, but the more he thought about it, it sounded like something James would’ve done - wanted to bring down everyone around him.

Michael can’t believe he thought Calum willingly told his team - god, he was such an idiot.

“I’m sorry for thinking you told them,” Michael says aloud, and Calum rolls his eyes.

“Dude, don’t be - it was my fault for not saying anything to you about it.” Michael opens his mouth to speak again, and Calum shushes him and continues his story.

“I felt terrified while he was reading it - for you. Because you had never let anyone see that journal - not even me. And now your worst enemy knew your darkest secret.”

“After that, he basically dragged me outside, with the rest of the team and told them - they all looked at me like I was crazy. Basically, after they shat on you for ten minutes straight, James came up to me and told me he didn’t want anyone on his team hanging out with someone like you - and that if I even stepped near you, he’d kick me off the team.”

Realization dawned over Michael immediately - of course Calum would have to have some sort of situation like that being held over his head, to ditch Michael. The logical part of Michael told him, back then, that Calum was so loyal that he wouldn’t do that.

But the irrational part of Michael, the part that was insecure and scared, told him that he knew Calum would eventually leave him for better people - there was always someone better.

Back then, Calum needed that team. Football was Calum’s life, and he never would’ve gotten into university without a scholarship.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Mikey,” Calum whispers, and Michael doesn’t say anything, he instead moves towards Calum and embraces him in a tight hug.

“I’m sorry too,” Michael whispers back, and Calum hugs tighter.

They both pull away, smiles gracing their faces. Michael’s falters a bit when he thinks of what he’s going to say next.

“I forgive you,” he starts, and Calum grins. “But...I can’t completely let you in yet, you understand, right?”

Calum nods. “Of course. Me explaining my side of the story doesn’t make what I did okay. I should’ve at least come to your house after or something…..not just leave you on the side of the ditch to bleed out,” Calum says, and Michael laughs.

“Nice metaphor,” Michael rolls his eyes, and Calum shoves him. “Thank you for telling me...despite how when I first saw you again, here, I was an asshole.”

Calum smiles. “You deserve to know the truth, after what I did to you.” Calum pauses, and rests a hand on Michael’s back.

“Friends again?” Calum asks, and Michael can’t help but laugh at how shy the usually extroverted Calum, life of the party, sounded.

Michael grins. “I think I’m ready to expand my social circle.”

“Of two people?”

Michael snorts and shoves Calum off the bed. “Yeah. I’m ready to be friends again.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed the chapter! it was fun to write. i'll admit, i lost motivation for this fic during my funk...but writing it again reminded me how much i missed it!  
> so, i'm going to be honest: I DO plan on finishing this fic, it's completely planned! but, i don't know when the next update will be. It will hopefully be shorter than two months, but school is so busy lately, that i unfortunately, have to put writing second. but, i promise, this story WILL be completed.  
> if you guys are still reading, and have kept up with all my damn inconsistent updates, THANK YOU. thank you so much. i love you all.  
> if you wanna chat, or talk to me or whatever, my tumblr is [candyflossclifford](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


	14. Anthophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, I haven't updated this since November. I am very sorry for being a shitty writer. If you've stopped reading this story, that's totally cool, and if you're still reading this story, you're the real MVP for putting up with me. This isn't the best chapter ever, it was a bit hard to get back into writing this after a while. Also, I'm sorry if it's messy/kind of all over the place. This is what I had originally planned for this chapter specifically, but it's been a while since I've been in this mindset. But, um, anyways, here's a chapter for you.

**_anthophilia - love of flowers_ **

When Michael first started university, he never thought he’d be in a scenario where he was laying on his bed side-by-side to his former best friend, catching up on how life’s been and laughing and having a good time.

Michael’s glad unexpected events occur sometimes.

Michael didn’t know how much he’d truly missed Calum. He’s not ready to tell Calum his feelings or anything, but he can so easily joke with Calum and banter back and forth with no harm done. They’ve been talking for two hours, and Michael feels like everything in his life is slowly coming together, which he never even dreamt of happening. With how things were going at the beginning of the year, he’d just assumed that he’d leave university with only one friend, never have been in love, never experienced life, really.

But things are looking up, and are seeming to be heading in the complete opposite direction of what he’d thought, and God, he hopes that things keep moving forward.

“So, Luke, huh?” Calum asks, and Michael can’t help the blush that rises to his cheeks.

“Yeah,” Michael replies, and part of him wants to talk about Luke, wants to just go on and on about what an amazing person he is and how much he cares for the boy, but it’s Calum he’s talking to. Michael’s forgiven him, yes, but he’s not sure if he can trust him.

Calum seems to understand that Michael isn’t going to say anything more, and Michael’s content with that. He glances over to the clock, and swears when he realises that it’s quarter to seven; he has a date with Luke at 7:15. Luke had to meet with one of his professors at 6:30 and said he’d come straight to Michael’s dorm after, and Michael only had half an hour to get ready.

“I can’t believe I almost forgot I had a date,” Michael says, and Calum laughs.

“That’s what happens, catching up with an old friend.”

“You’re not that old.”

Calum rolls his eyes. “I see you still love being a shithead,” Calum says, and Michael swears he sees some kind of affection in Calum’s eyes, the same emotion he’d often see in Calum’s eyes when Michael did something so ridiculously  _ Michael _ back in high school. It brought a warm feeling to Michael’s heart, and moved over to Calum to give him a gentle hug.

Calum seemed surprised by the gesture, but he eased into the hug. It wasn’t too friendly or too cold, but a comforting touch, one that represented their broken friendship is on its way to mending. 

“Have a good date.” Calum waves, and smirks before he adds on, “Use protection!”

Michael blushes and slams the door behind him at that, not exactly ready to think about that step with Luke yet. They’re still fairly new as a couple, and Michael doesn’t want to fuck anything up.

Michael practically runs back to his dorm and is out of breath by the time he gets there - he’s not exactly active, a couple flights of stairs are going to wear him out - and luckily it doesn’t take him long to put together a nice outfit.

Just as Michael is fixing his hair, there’s a knock on his door. He grabs his wallet and moves to open the door.

Luke is smiling when he opens the door, and Luke’s smile immediately brings one to Michael’s own face. Luke looks beautiful as always, his glasses sliding down his face and wearing nicer-than-usual jeans and a tight-fitted shirt. Michael leans forward and presses his mouth to Luke’s, and Luke’s hand situates itself in Michael’s hair. They move back into Michael’s dorm, and their mouths are moving but their feet are, too, and they don’t seem to be aware they’re moving backwards until Michael runs into the bed and falls backwards, Luke following on top of him.

Luke pushes up, and he’s on top of Michael, and holy shit, this is hot, Michael thinks. Luke looks slightly flushed from their making out, and that just makes Michael even more turned on. 

They stare into each other’s eyes for a minute, Michael taking in all of Luke’s features, from the blue of his eyes to the barely noticeable freckles situated around his nose that no one would be able to see unless they were in Michael’s position, and Michael can’t believe someone so breathtaking has taken an interest in him. 

“Hi,” Luke whispers, breaking Michael’s train of thought, and his eyes move from Luke’s lips to his eyes. The look in Luke’s eyes is so gentle that he almost loses himself again.

“Hi,” Michael says back, not knowing what to say. They’d never been this close before - sure, they’ve hugged and cuddled before, but something about this position, the kiss, Calum’s joke about using protection earlier - this all seems much, much more intimate. 

Luke seems to realise this too, and the blushes that arises on his cheeks almost makes his face entirely read. Michael doesn’t even want to know what his face looks like. As Luke moves back, he ends up straddling Michael for a solid second, and this cause Luke’s face to go  _ even more _ red, if that was even possible. The realisation causes Luke to move off Michael even faster, and he takes a seat at Michael’s desk chair while Michael resides on his bed.

They avoid eye contact, Luke scanning Michael’s walls despite him having been in Michael’s room enough to have it memorized by now, and the second they meet eyes Michael can’t help but burst out laughing.

Luke ends up laughing, too, and then they’re both laughing so hard they can’t breathe. Someone probably thinks they’re dying or whatever, but Michael doesn’t care. The obvious sexual tension and the fact they were both so damn awkward about it was hilarious.

Luke eventually calms down, and it takes Michael a little longer to catch his breath. Luke raises an eyebrow at how easily amused Michael is, and Michael sends a sheepish smile back in return.

“So,” Luke starts, and Michael almost starts laughing again, but the done look Luke sends him stifles his laughter. “Um………”

Michael snorts at Luke’s lack of words. “That was interesting,” Michael fills in, and Luke shakes his head in agreement.

“Yeah..”

“Should we talk about it?” Michael asks.

“Um. No?” Luke suggests, and Michael shrugs and lets go of the topic. They really should talk about it, but for now, waiting is probably the best thing. Michael knows himself, and he’s a child at heart, so he knows he’d end up laughing several too many times and Luke would probably leave him on the curb if that happened.

Michael decides to move back to less awkward conversation topics. “How’d your meeting with your professor go? Who was it?” Michael starts, and he gestures for Luke to come back to the bed. Michael moves backwards so his back rests against the wall, and Luke crawls onto the bed and situates himself beside Michael. 

Luke leans his head on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael moves his arm to wrap around Luke’s broad shoulders. “It went well,” Luke answers, moving into Michael’s embrace. “I just had questions about what we’re learning and our project. Speaking of projects, we really need to get started on our English project.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “It’s just writing, easy enough.”

Luke shoots him a look. “Easy for some people.”

“Hey, math is easy to you. I still have to use a calculator to figure out 2 plus 2 is five,” Michael says, and the look Luke sends him almost sends him into  _ another _ fit of laughter.

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Luke deadpans, and Michael swears he genuinely looks worried that Michael can’t do simply math.

Michael shoves him gently. “Do you really think I don’t know simple first grade math?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t,” Luke retorts, and Michael practically chokes on air.

“You can be mean when you want,” Michael pouts, and Luke smirks and presses a quick kiss to Michael’s mouth.

“Am I forgiven?” Luke asks, and the way he’s ridiculously blinking his eyelashes and smiling is so insanely Luke that Michael feels a warm sense of affection bubbling up in his chest.

“Maybe, depends whether you’re paying tonight or not,” Michael says, and Luke glares.

“Fine, yes. I’ll pay. But I’ll be grumpy about it.”

“That’s fine, you’re pouty when you’re grumpy and that pout happens to be adorable,” Michael says, and moves to get up off the bed.

“No, let’s cuddle for a bit.” Luke pouts, and Michael rolls his eyes as he knows Luke is taking advantage of him saying Luke has cute pout.

“You’re evil,” Michael says, but he pushes Luke’s head off his shoulder and instead leans onto Luke’s shoulder, and Luke mimes Michael’s earlier position.

“Only a little,” Luke jokes, and Michael moves closer. “Oh, yeah. How was your day?”

Michael realises he’d forgotten to tell Luke about him talking to Calum, and he blames their earlier “incident” one-hundred percent.

Michael’s silent for a couple minutes before he speaks, and he can feel Luke’s concerned gaze on him. He can’t find the right words, so he decides to just go for it. “I had a talk with Calum.”

Luke moves away from Michael at that, instead moving so that he is facing Michael eye to eye. “You did? About what? Who initiated that?” Luke rambles, and Michael shushes him.

“I appreciate your concern, but I went to him.” Michael pretends he isn’t offended by Luke raising an eyebrow at that. “I did!”

Luke’s face breaks into a gentle smile, and he rests a hand on Michael’s knee. “I’m proud of you for that.”

Michael’s heart warms at Luke’s words, the fact that the person he cares most about is proud of him means so, so much to him. Michael isn’t use to believing that anyone is proud of him or anythings he’s done - but Michael’s slowly opening up, and the way Luke is looking at him makes Michael believe his words.

Michael continues. “We made up, actually.” He goes into the details of why Calum did what he did, and he appreciates the rage to confusion to understanding on Luke’s face as Michael re-tells the story. By the end he’s grinning,and Michael can’t help by grin, too.

“That’s awesome, Michael!” Luke exclaims, and he jumps on Michael in a tight hug. This isn’t a hug like he and Calum had earlier, this hug is tight, Luke’s fingers digging into Michael’s back and Michael holding onto Luke just as tightly. Being in Luke’s arms is so comforting to Michael, and it’s his favourite place to be.

“I know. I don’t completely trust him yet or am totally cool, you know - but, we’re getting there. It’s nice to have another friend back,” Michael says, and Luke gives him a squeeze at that.

Michael can’t really believe this is happening. Even though he had some push from Luke, the fact he went and confronted something and someone almost on his own was a huge step for him. Michael was used to sitting in the background, just going through life and letting it happen instead of making it happen. It seems like Michael is growing confidence, he’s finding himself and he’s finally letting himself be happy. He feels an unfamiliar emotion take over him, and he thinks it’s pride for himself. 

Luke pulls back, and he moves his hand to Michael’s and intertwines their fingers. “Today was an awesome day for you. You know what that means?”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “What?”

Luke grins. “We celebrate!”

Michael blushes and rolls his eyes. “You’re such a dork, did you know that.”

“Yes. But who cares, I have you, don’t I?” Luke says, and Michael presses a kiss to his cheek. They finally gain the willpower to leave the bed, and on their way out, Michael can’t help but feel genuinely happy with everything happening his life, and he quite likes the feeling. He never wants to let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I'm really sorry this took so long. I've been feeling unmotivated for this story in particular, I feel like I could plan and write something better than what I have planned for this, but it is still my first chaptered fanfiction, and I truly want to finish it. I'm also planning some original stories too, and I'm starting to focus a bit more on those. Once 5SOS are off hiatus updates might be more frequent, but that's only a might. Also, I might cut back on some chapters and remove some events - I'm still working it out. Just a warning, the next updates are hopefully not going to be a four month gap again, but most likely a couple weeks. I'm going on a trip soon and life is coming at me fast, but I swear this story will be finished eventually. Thank you all for sticking with me through this, it means a lot. Kudos & Comments are appreciated; and you can get a hold of me on tumblr at [candyflossclifford](http://candyfclossclifford.tumblr.com). Lots of love to you all. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I promise I have much more in store for this fic and am so excited to share it.  
> I don't have an update schedule quite yet (I made the dumb mistake of starting this when my exams start in under a month), but I promise I won't give up on this story.  
> Again, thank you for reading! If you have any questions, comments, or just want to say his, hop over to my [tumblr here!](http://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)  
> Thanks again, comments & kudos are appreciated and I hope you all have a lovely day!!


End file.
